Right or Wrong

No matter whatever the dispute might be, whether it is an internal one… an argument with myself about right or wrong or the treatment of others; family, friends and disputes of all varieties… kindness, understanding and quiet respect works far better than the strident insistence of my demands. It is only when I understand that whatever it is, it isn't about winning or losing… it is about the harmony of working together for solutions.

The Dhammapada says it clearer than I can:

 

Some see right as wrong

And what is wrong as right.

Holding such false views,

They go to a sorrowful state.

Those who see wrong as wrong

And right as right

Hold right views,

And go into a joyful state.

Vs. 318-319

Before I get myself in a tither... into a self-righteous rage, I pause… consider how I would react to the same demands made on me… and put my shoulders to understanding the resistance rather than the resistor. Somewhere behind that morass of ego awaits the truth, the power and the glory of the Heart of Compassion.

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geo 4,815

Old Habits and Set Patterns

Today's reflection from the author of The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal Rinpoche, in Glimpse After Glimpse:

The teachings tell us what we need to realize, but we also have to go on our own journey; in order to come to a personal realization. That journey may take us through suffering, difficulties, and doubts of all kinds, but they will become our greatest teachers. Through them we learn the humility to recognize our limitations, and through them we will discover the inner strength and fearlessness we need to emerge from our old habits and set patterns, and surrender into the vaster vision of real freedom offered by the spiritual teachings.

~

The mantras; "they just didn't understand me", "I was stabbed in the back", "the system is corrupt", "it is just a temporary setback", "she/he left me for…" and so on, are often repeated over a drink at the bar among those of us who reveled in the Fellowship of the Stoned.

            Once sober, most of us try to regain some of what we lost due to our drinking or drug use along the lines of material success. It is commendable to do so but it is imperative to understand that we are still alcoholics and addicts. Understanding that alcoholism, and addictions of almost every sort, are diseases of the ego and not the substances we abused. Ego is a slippery fellow and will work its way back into control at any opening. False pride is an obvious opening once we get back the job, the car, the family and so on… power, property and prestige. This is true even if we achieve little more than a few years of sobriety in AA. Unless we do something about ego, we will lord over those with a day less than us with our time in sobriety and present ourselves as Big Shots… spiritual giants… we are recovery magi!

            "Old habits and set patterns" put aside, the vision of freedom opened up to me. Humility became a tool more than an asset to laud. Progress, as described through suffering, became the plowshare of acceptance, tilling the fertile ground made fruitful by the Heart of Compassion.

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geo 4,814

Abandoning Harsh Speech

Abandoning harsh speech, he abstains from harsh speech, he speaks such words as are gentle, pleasing to the ear, and lovable, as go to the heart, are courteous, desired by many and agreeable to many.

MAJHIIMA-NIKAYA i. 179

~

My weakness along these lines has been the internet. Pre-internet, my poison-pen was somewhat restrained because I could rush out to retrieve the nasty letter from the mailbox before the postman came. E-mail ruined that option. Then came the "anti-social media" and blogs… oh my. Once I had access to a computer and went online. I was late to the party too… it was after 9/11, 2001, before I turned in my fax machine for a computer... once online, I sank into an orgy of abuse… especially political arguments.   

            The past few months, however, I have come to peace with these kinds of online debates… if one can even call them that. I.e., when what I believe to be an abhorrent or abusive tirade is posted by a friend on facebook, I now try to step back and breathe before I respond… to see where there might be a middle ground… a solution to confrontation… and I ask myself how can both sides of an argument gain when in most arguments it's the means to a good end that is at stake. I can then argue in favor of a more productive solution rather than jump in with insults and counter arguments. Otherwise, I must simply leave it alone.

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geo 4,813

Independence Day!

The quick inventory is aimed at our daily ups and downs, especially those where people or new events throw us off balance and tempt us to make mistakes.

            In all these situations we need self-restraint, honest analysis of what is involved, a willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere. We need not be discouraged when we fall into the error of our old ways, for these disciplines are not easy. We shall look for progress, not for perfection.

Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, (p. 91)

~

Once I began on this path I wondered what all the fuss was about if we are only human. Actually, I felt then and I still do, that too much emphasis was put on the wrong wrongs and not enough attention was put on the right ones. 

Running through the forest at night! That's what I am doing most of the time. I found out that I could only do this if I went native… (no racism intended)… making my way through the bush hunched forward with hands close to the ground… staying alert and paying attention to where I put my feet. That is the way I wind through life… running from fears… careening through the forest in the dark. Better yet, slow down… where am I going in such a hurry? Pause when agitated or doubtful… take a breath.

I can admit, however, that such advice falls on deaf ears at the time of enraged emotions but, before my day is done, I can look at myself and laugh. It is a reflex that has developed through interaction with members of the Fellowship. It didn't arise naturally and, trust me on this, I don't do it willingly. However, when I do this, my days level out and hardships that once determined where I went and those annoying people I avoided, became fewer.

After all, everyday is Independence Day!

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geo 4,812

Morbid Wanderings

A Continuous look at our assets and liabilities, and a real desire to learn and grow by this means, are necessities for us…. When a drunk has a terrific hangover because he drank heavily yesterday, he cannot live well today. But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience whether we are drinking or not. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday's and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion --- anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we would live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers. That doesn't mean we need to wander morbidly around the past. It requires an admission and correction of errors now.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (pp. 88-89)

~

A depressed personality already combs through the failures and fears of past and present circumstances. Morbid wanderings through these are driven like a nail into the heart of one afflicted with this expression of mental illness. Emotional disturbances can appear to have no rational meaning or cause. At such times I only know I am blue and morbid reflection only feeds that condition. I'm reminded of the lyrics in the chorus best sung by Lois Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald: "You're only beginning… you're learning the Blues." 


The "how to" of taking control of this spinout is "contrary action". Like a vehicle on ice, you turn the wheel in the opposite direction you are spinning in a "Brody" to straighten it out. An immediate reflex such as this takes some training and simple tricks to turn around these complex emotions. I can name these accusers and I call them "The Committee". Telling the members of the Committee "You have each been allowed to speak and now the meeting is adjourned." It is only a trick but tricks are necessary in an emergency. We can get to the sources once the mind is calmed. Once adjourned, I take a few minutes to bless them and seek the positive in my life before I delve into an honest inventory.

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geo 4,811

Over the Edge

Once I had taken on responsibility for my past, the time came to be responsible for the present. I believe that the spirituality… i.e., morality… that ignores the value of living to useful purpose is only good for preaching to the choir. To those of use who have sailed over the edge of a flat-earth can't be reformed or admonished towards righteousness out of fear of an abstract hell. We have been to a very real hell and, for some of us, we weren't tourists there: we were content to live there. I found excitement and the thrill of living on the edge until I sailed over it … careening through relationships: sinking careers, shirking family and abusing friendships. It was difficult to accept that that the spiritual life would be one of adventure. I had shunned it until I found that evolution would be more of a revolution than anything I had done before. Living life to practical purpose is a utilitarian approach to a philosophy that is quite the opposite of any other moral basis to do so. The first nine Steps of AA were necessary for me because I had been conducting my life rather chaotically previous to setting aside drugs and alcohol. From that point on in the Tenth, Eleventh and Twelfth Step, I have utilized the adventure towards the Heart of Compassion because, frankly, the oblivion of the adventures of my past bore me.

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[1] geo 4,810

Walking Amends

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP NINE

(p. 83)

1. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. 2. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. 3. a. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and, b., still others in which, by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.

~

These are, for many people, the most difficult amends to make. We call them walking amends in AA. Though the offenses, crimes and misdemeanors, of this class would seem to take the least effort they can hang around my neck like an albatross. There are offenses that can hardly be confessed at all and most assuredly not advisable to approach those who are victims of my derelictions. The Fifth Step suggests that I do find someone who can listen... understand what I am doing... a minister, spiritually fit sponsor, or therapist.  But, what can I do about them… walk around in guilt and shame, or is there a more positive tack to take once I have admitted them? I know a few men who suffer in this manner and I am not alone. Some have even spent considerable time in prison or have been interned in VA mental wards for things they have done and yet do not feel that ion any manner they have been exonerated of the harm they have done.

            While there may never be a full solution for the guilt and shame of my past, there is a treatment. Just like my alcoholism, there is no cure these feelings, but I can take positive action to be useful regardless. A walking amends means I embrace understanding for those who have been victims of my similar trespasses and I can have forgiveness for other perpetrators. I am able to continue on this path, with the valuable tools of understanding and forgiveness. I can enter into the realm of the Heart of Compassion by causing no further harm. Causing no further harm also suggests that I do so without exploiting my crimes and misdemeanors in the manner of a circus act or public displays of contrition. The walking amends leads to a lifetime of quiet atonement that puts my feet in the direction of transformation with humility and compassion.

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geo 4,809