Narcissistic Anger

Often the alcoholic combines anger and self-pity and feels victimized by the world; the alcoholic can justify abusive behavior on the ground that others deserved it or “asked” for it. This type of destructive anger is identified in the Big Book as a dangerous emotion for alcoholics: “If we were to live, we had to be free from anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.”

Little Red Book;

Step Four, pp. 63-64:

Hazelden Publication

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The alcoholic suffers, to a large degree, the character traits of narcissism: self-centered and unable to sustain interpersonal relationships, difficulty with empathy, hypersensitivity to insults, vulnerability to shame rather than guilt, haughty attitude and body language, pretending to be more important than they are, bragging and exaggerating their achievements, claiming to be an expert at many things, inability to view the world from the perspective of other people and denial of remorse. Most of all, there is a sense of entitlement that never ends well.
    We can easily see that these character traits aren’t isolated to alcoholics. These would be characteristic of many with a disconnection from reality that is often encouraged in a culture that glorifies instant fame over a more gradual and rewarding acquisition of wisdom. We tend to blame others for our failures and that can turn into murderous rampages in the more extreme cases and this appears to be what happened to the ex-police officer that went rogue this week. I don’t have an answer for this other than a planned and rigorous honesty brought about by some sort of spiritual renewal process. This is what the Twelve Steps are about in AA but I’m afraid that there is no such program for those who are lost in a sick culture that glorifies destructive behavior.

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The Second Step

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Alcoholics Anonymous

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   It is uncommon to come upon another who can admit that they are stark raving mad and that their lives are unmanageable. I had to ask myself, Am I mad? Compared to what? Looking around at some of the crazy shit that comes down in the world gives me pause when I consider my own impulses towards insanity where drinking and drugs are concerned. The idea that alcoholism is a mental illness can be a huge stumbling block for most of us because we think of mental illness as a state of mind that drives us to act out; perhaps to see things that aren’t there; criminal acts of insane violence; sexual perversity; or as simple as babbling incoherently. Some balk at the idea of calling alcoholism and drug addiction diseases at all. It isn’t as though these types of disease have a prognosis exactly like cancer or any “real” disease.

   Understanding that alcoholism is a disease would be easier to accept when it is taken into account that the brain of an alcoholic or addict reacts differently to alcohol and drugs. The insanity that drove me to go back to the bottle, no matter what the consequences, is beyond understanding under any other context than to see myself as having a mental illness. It is only in the context of helplessness in the grip of a terminal disease that I can even see the need for a Power greater than myself. Otherwise, I wouldn’t go back again and again to the idea that I can defeat this thing by applying will power. Will power is a valuable tool when it is used correctly; however, very few would attempt to defeat any other disease, such as cancer, by using will power alone. The Second Step doesn’t say I must believe in God or magical voodoo oogah-boogah. It says clearly that our experience is that we “came to believe”.  That I can be restored to sanity where drinking and drugs have ruined my life isn’t an article of faith but rather an expression of experience like coming to believe that this chair will hold me when I sit on it.

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Loving Favor/A Good Name

A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favor rather than silver or gold.

Proverbs 22:1

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     I get the bit about “a good name” but what does the writer of this proverb mean speaking of “loving favor”? Doesn’t that seem like it recommends being granted favor over others by the means of groveling? If this translates as being bequeathed favor via an authority of some kind, even of God, it would appear to be contrary to the spirit of the rest of the Book of Proverbs. Within the spirit of the Heart of Compassion would it have to be some sort of divine disposition? My experience has been that the bondage to self is lifted only after I take certain actions born of humility rather than the currying of favor: i.e., I was relieved of the obsession to drink once I admitted I was impotent over the grip of alcoholism and could not manage any part of my life beyond the realm of its tyranny without some kind of spiritual power greater than the bottle. The rest of the proverb about the value of a “good name” folds into this cessation. It has to do with wholeheartedly taking responsibility for my own name and actions and proceeding as though the ancestry of my name depends on a commitment to the integrity of it.

    An example of honoring and cherishing favor could be explained in this little story:

   My last drunk was filled with a violent rage that ended with breaking out all the windows in my apartment and threatening my neighbors. When called before the dear man who was my landlord, I didn’t grovel or even say I was sorry. I repaired the broken glass and only then approached him, fully expecting to be rightfully evicted. When he asked, “Why should I believe you won’t do this again?” my answer was simple, “All I can give you is my word.” Thus, my word, and my “good name”, was seriously in jeopardy at that point and I felt that what little worth it held would have to be protected by any means in my power to keep it. Don Nelson went to his grave having had that one promise kept as though I was the steward of a treasure revered above gold. The Heart of Compassion doesn’t require us to grovel for favors but to simply acknowledge our own worth by accepting responsibility. I will always love “favor” of this sort.

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Opinion/Experience

Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.

--- Janis Joplin

When we don’t know who we are, it’s easy to compromise ourselves. When we don’t know where we stand on an issue, it is easy to be swayed by a forceful voice. Values may be cloudy in our minds, or we may not be aware of them at all. It’s then that we are vulnerable to the persuasion of another. In this Twelve Step program, we are offered the way to know ourselves. We are supported in our efforts, and we realize we have friends who don’t want us to compromise ourselves --- who value our struggle to know and to be true to ourselves.

One of recovery’s greatest gifts is discovering we can make decisions that represent us, our inner selves, and those decisions please us. We all are familiar with the tiny tug of shame that locates itself in our solar plexus. When we “go along,” when we “give in” on a personally important issue, we pay a consequence. We lose a bit of ourselves. Over the years we’ve lost many bits. We have a choice, however.

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I will have a chance, soon, to act according to my wishes.

Each Day

A New Beginning,

 (Hazelden Publication)

Karen Casey

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When I express an opinion on any matter; spiritual, political, or even in matters as mundane as where can I get the best pizza, I am wise to consider first whether I am parroting someone else’s or have I experiences what I am talking about personally. Some things are, of course, articles of faith… tried and true throughout the ages. I can apply them to my life and see whether or not they work and, if they don’t, I can search for the answers as to why they don’t. Are they based on a false premise or have I taken a shortcut. I can always ask someone else who has seemed to make it work for themselves and judge from there where to go with it. I have found a confidence to admit when I am wrong and thus extend to others the right to be wrong. Because I have strong opinions on just about everything I can come off as belligerent… even bullying and certainly I don’t like it when others do that to me. In no way does this position cause me to compromise my beliefs and I become more apt to be able to choose my battles wisely.

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Today is my day for surgery. Though it is only a minor surgery, I am surrendering my will and my life to a surgeon. The surgeon is a man I've only met once and, for this moment, he is a power greater than myself whose hands that I trust completely. I trust him because he has this piece of parchment framed and hanging on the wall of his office that guarantees he is a qualified physician and surgeon within the community of his medical vocation. However, I am trusting that he, and his team of assistants and anesthesiologists, will do for me what I am unable to do for myself. There are those in the spiritual community that would say it is a blasphemy to rely on the hands of man over the hands of God but it would be absurd for me to, and hardly none but the most extreme would, expect God to do for me what my fellow human beings can also perform. If this is true in the physical realm, why then should it not be true for spiritual matters.

Just as it would be ludicrous for me to perform a minor hernia repair on my own, or to rely on a quack, it would be detrimental, and quite insane, to expect myself to heal my spiritual body without the expert help of a spiritual guide. I don’t mean to say that in general we can’t take care of our spiritual body. On my own, I can take care of the physical needs of my body by choosing a healthy diet and exercising wisely (in a gym or at home). I can also choose wisely what I feed my spirit and practice mindfulness in meditation at home alone or in a group. For more intensive care I need the hands of an expert in spiritual health. I do this to live a healthy spiritual life so that I can go out and perform productively with mindfulness the challenges of the day.

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Devotion to a Higher Meditation

Right speech, harmlessness,
Restraint in speaking ill of others,
Moderation in food, at peace in remoteness and solitude,
Devotion to higher meditation.
This is the teaching of the Buddhas.

Dhammapada 185

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I was asked, during my pre-op interview, for my religious preference. I answered that I am a Catholic Buddhist. I am not at all confused in this expression of faith; for, followers of the middle path refer to the Buddhas as we in the West refer the saints and prophets. They are seen as enlightened or awakened ones. Though the Buddhas, or the Buddha, are not considered deities in the same sense as we think of when we refer to the Christ or God; I believe that the key here is in the words, “Devotion to higher meditation”. I say this because I have found it is as important to me to have faith in the practice as in any of my personal convictions (whether I am an atheist or a “Born Again” Christian). It is equally important to note that the experience of rejuvenation and redemption in being a “Born Again” Christian is of immense value as an asset to “Higher Meditation”. This very personal experience is not to be in any way discounted. I can give the Lord Jesus devotion without discarding the Buddhas because the Buddha never considered himself to be anything but a man and never proposed that he was a god. The Heart of Compassion embraces us all, whether we prostrate before Allah or pray at the Wall in Jerusalem. If I don’t open my heart to the Spirit of Compassion my faith is but divisive vanity that entirely misses the point of the Crucifix (which is the redemptive union of God and humanity).

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Nostalgia For God

The dual substance of Christ --- the yearning, so human, so superhuman, of man to attain God or, more exactly, to return to God, and identify himself with him --- has always been a deep inscrutable mystery to me. This nostalgia for God, at once so mysterious and so real, has opened large wounds and also large flowing streams.

Prologue to;

The Last Temptation\of Christ

by Nikos Kazantzakis

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I am fortunate in that the idea of seeking to recover a relationship with the divine was always in the background and, sometimes in the foreground, of my life. My excesses would appear, from a moralist’s viewpoint, to be libertarian at best and just plain unconscious as a norm. I can’t argue against either case but, I have found, through the process of recovery that I have always been seeking God in one way or another… even in my excesses. After all, what was I seeking but relief from the agony of this “inscrutable mystery" by hitting the bottle or drugs so heavily?” Some drugs (like LSD, mushrooms, and sometimes pot) gave the illusion of expanding my mind, while others (like alcohol, and opiates), were most affective in giving me temporary relief. In all cases, drugs and alcohol led to the peculiar insanity of alcoholism and only made things worse. Today I know that the mystery of the godhead is approachable with humility and, once approached, the rough tracks of life became paved with the labor of persistence into the "road of happy destiny". Therefore, I must be doing something right and doing a lot better than I sometimes think I am.

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