Contorted Expectations

Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures than are possible for us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God intended for us here on earth. That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, of our sins.

TWELVE STEPS AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 65

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This is one of the rare mentions of sin in AA literature. Most of us call them character defects and, by doing so, the moral disdain for our shortcomings is removed. Morality might be fine for religious folk obsessed with honing their lives towards perfection; however, some of us don’t need the implied guilt associated with the word, sin. This isn't to avoid the consequences of our actions but we are careful not to be sponsors of a self-righteous condemnation of ourselves or others. I’m not even so sure that God, or, whatever we think of as a Higher Power, has any expectations of perfection from any of us. I don’t mean to be controversial about this but, experience tells me that this is not only a futile ambition, but it can be counter-productive, to strive for perfection rather than improvement along these lines. Isn't it a better ambition to be relaxed… calm… serene… comfortable and at peace with who we really are instead of always contorting ourselves into a frustrated ball of anxiety towards an unattainable goal?

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Why Not Reflect?

Thinking of Dr. Conner

Looking into death needn't be frightening or morbid. Why not reflect on death when you are really inspired, relaxed, and comfortable, lying in bed, or on vacation, or listening to music that particularly delights you? Why not reflect on it when you are happy, in good health, confident, and full of well-being? Don’t you notice that there are particular moments when you are naturally inspired to introspection? Work with them gently, for these are moments when you can go through a powerful experience, and your whole worldview can change quickly. These are moments when former beliefs crumble on their own, and you can find yourself being transformed.

Glimpse After Glimpse

Sogyal Rinpoche

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It has been my custom to refrain from writing about death in these reflections. This has been because my aim is to encourage others who are considering all the alternatives to the mystical/spiritual path and do not wish to compel beliefs out of fear of the inevitable, with carrot and stick approaches, promising the bliss of heaven or threatening the tortures of hell. However, something happened yesterday that has had me reflecting on the topic since then that I would be remiss if I neglected to comment on it here.

            We were at Bonnie’s scheduled doctor’s follow-up appointment at which she was asked if she had a recent blood test. She said that she'd one last week for her appointment with the surgeon who’d performed the operation on her back. Without so much as a twitch or hint of grief, the physician said, “Dr. Conner is dead.”

            We were both sure that there had to be a mistake. We had just seen him a few days before and her surgeon, at that time, appeared to be a picture of health. He was a bright, healthy, middle-age man who was always very thorough and honest with us about the alternatives to surgery and the prospects for recovery. However, it turned out that, after a bike ride, he was not feeling well and laid down on the couch where he simply died…. just like that!

            A kind, intelligent and very professional doctor whose work had eased the suffering of so many, had passed away without any rhyme or reason or so much as a cosmic wink. It just doesn’t seem fair that life and death are so arbitrary… that people can go… the good or the bad. 

          After thinking of these things my mind goes back to all the people I've known who have all passed away just as arbitrarily. I think of all the funerals and wakes I've attended thinking, "Better him than me." But, nonetheless, I have come to believe that it is impossible to live well without considering what it means to die well: awake, aware, mindful and compassionate. Does it matter all that much? To me, the point is that I make the best of my short spin on the planet and to fear not that which every sentient being will eventually experience. The Buddhist prayer comes to mind:

Everything changes, everything passes,

things appearing, things disappearing.

But --- when all is over --- everything having appeared and having disappeared, being and extinction, both transcended ---

Still the basic emptiness and silence abides,

And that is blissful Peace.

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I Let It Go at That

If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us. But point out that we alcoholics have something in common and that you would like, in any case, to be friendly. Let it go at that.

Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 95

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The open-minded attitude about spiritual practices and recovery expressed in the literature of AA has been one of the Fellowship's most attractive aspects for me. No one tried to convert me or cram God down my throat. Once I became convinced that the program of AA was the most practical and affordable approach, I became more tolerant of opinions expressed by others… either of God or of recovery. I was pleasantly surprised that very few old-timers in the Fellowship expressed disdain for alcohol or others who used alcohol. They even spoke affectionately at times about the effects of alcohol in their past and seemed to have no compulsion at all to force anyone else to join us in abstaining from it. One old-timer spoke so affectionately about her favorite drink that she hoped Saint Peter would present her with a dry martini when she approaches the Pearly Gates. We are only concerned about the alcoholic that still suffers and is seeking a solution to his/her drinking problem. There is no superior philosophy or authority in the groups. At first I wondered if there might be a back-room I would be taken into after a few years to be let in on a secret agenda… of a hierarchy and leadership pulling the strings behind the scenes… or a Christian conspiracy of some sort. However, I have found that my experience is never questioned. I leave my opinions at the door and it is my experience alone that perks up the ears and causes a chuckle when I share it with my fellows... and I let it go at that.

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What Is Compassion?

What is compassion? It is not simply a sense of sympathy or caring for the person suffering, not simply a warmth of heart toward the person before you, or a sharp clarity of recognition of their needs and pain, it is also a sustained determination to do whatever is possible and necessary to help alleviate their suffering.

Glimpse After Glimpse

Sogyal Rinpoche

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Clearly, these are times in which compassion isn't a luxury of the idle… if it ever has been. I have a hard time with it because there is so much to despise going on in the world. It takes a constant monitoring of, and balancing of, emotions with reason to be able to sort things out. The immediate temptation is to go to the defaults; accusation, blame, resentment and anger. Tyranny reigns over one venue of oppression or another; whether it is political, religious or in plain and simple interpersonal relationships. I can’t imagine managing these feelings without pausing and relying on a Power greater than myself. I prefer to call God in specific terms, the Heart of Compassion, because in calling God that I define who and what it is I am relying upon. If I rely on an abstract and vague concept for God, I can color it any way I wish… and history has shown that corruption and every sort of religious dementia, inquisition and fatwa’s, over how God is defined, or demands, arises out of what mad men have called God.

As I meditate on the Heart of Compassion, something miraculous happens: my heart opens up and, beyond emotion and reason, a clarity of mind sees through to its dominion. A rhythm resonates deep within… I breathe… becoming grateful for my breath my heart beats. The universe takes on a fresh perspective and I see you in a new light… heart to heart. Leaders of the world of commerce and industry… nations and armies… the grey-back gorillas among us become equals… don’t have to sucked-up to or feared. We see each other at ground level… the attitude is infectious. In Aikido they call it melding… turning negative energy around… around but not against itself… for itself… ourselves. No longer fighting anyone or anything, there is peace… there are solutions, not problems. The means become commiserate with the ends instead of justifying them. Yielding to the Heart of Compassion my heart becomes compassionate.

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Renouncing Victory & Defeat

Victory produces hatred; he that is defeated is afflicted with

            suffering;

He that has renounced both victory and defeat lives in tranquility

 and happiness.

Dhammapada 201

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This idea of ceasing to fighting anything and anyone… even alcohol, was a revolutionary attitude idea at the time AA was founded. The whole idea of it was that, after a sufficient spiritual renewal, the temptation to drink simply no longer occurs to us. If I resist the temptation by hating it, I am still in its grip. How many times have we seen preachers who rant and rave against perceived sexual improprieties; prostitution, homosexuality and so on, become so obsessed that they eventually get caught using escorts or are found to be closeted homosexuals themselves? I am equally frustrated by the so called war on drugs. How much more suffering does the futility of prohibition evoke by creating an opportunity for drug lords and mobsters to profit? All that the war on drugs seems to have accomplished is the creation of an underground market just as viscous as Prohibition did in the twenties. When seen as a mental health problem, with a prognosis and treatment, instead of a criminal or moral problem to be punished, the prisons could possibly empty out of over a third of their inmates. I’m not so naïve to believe that it completely solves the problem but the consequences of abuse have a chance to become manageable.

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Empathy, not Sympathy

Empathy connects while sympathy deflects.

I was going about my business of the day and then, out of the blue my life changed forever by an accident of fate that I was in no way prepared for. In my case it was a very dramatic one. One night, around nine pm, I was on a bicycle headed for the bank to take a few bucks out of the ATM. My last memory was of flying over the handlebars. After awaking on the grass of a lawn at dawn, I walked the bike home (the front wheel was twisted like a pretzel, took a shower and went to work). Not only was I unprepared for that particular accident but I was not ready for the changes the future held for me or how I would deal with the changes. While on the job (my job title was; Artist/Facilitator at the California Medical Correctional Facility in Vacaville, Ca), a fellow worker noticed I was acting strangely… slurring words and confused. He rushed me to the hospital where I experienced seizures and X-rays showed I suffered a fracture from ear to ear at the base of my skull. I had to start my life over from that day on, tabula rasa. My career was on hold and then abandoned. I became unable to put together more than a sentence at a time for a while but, after recovering a bit from that, I thought I was over it. Struggling with suicidal thoughts and desperate to recover some of my abilities, I became homeless nonetheless. I kept trying to do what I had been trying to do before but found myself failing in every direction because I had left my injuries untreated. I thought I could fix myself but the confusion only grew.

            Far too many have suffered brain injury and walk around among us looking as though they are healthy enough. Veterans or civilians, we are sometimes diagnosed as having mild concussions if we know our names, what day it is, and can remember who the current President is. Brain injury is only beginning to be properly diagnosed and treated effectively/seriously by the medical community because of returning vets from Iraq and Afghanistan. Beyond medical treatment, many of us become shuffled off to the side, doped up with psych-drugs, and are seen as unresponsive to the social safety-networks that are taken for granted by others. The inability to adapt to life afterwards crushes the spirit and, still proud, we try to manage whatever is left of our lives. Whenever I hear of an athlete or a soldier as having a so-called mild concussion, my ears perk-up. Is there anyway of treating invisible injuries and catching them on time before their lives end; unemployable, isolated, frustrated, or driven to homelessness and suicide? I am a lucky one. I lived through it, and eventually retained some of my lost dignity, but my prayers go to those who are still lost. If anyone reading this know has suffered a brain injury or knows of a family member or friend who has had a life-changing head trauma… have lost contact with them… have watched in frustration as a loved one sinks into alcohol and drug abuse… get empathetic professional help… especially the VA for veterans…. Yes empathy goes much further than sympathy. There is hope.

         I am grateful I to have a sister who searched me out and made contact with me. I will never forget that phone call. Thanks, Joy.

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It is No Big Deal

QUIETLY SITTING

Quietly sitting, body still, speech silent, mind at peace, let thoughts and emotions, and go, without clinging to anything.

            What does this state feel like? Dudjom Rinpoche used to say: Imagine a man who comes home after a long, hard day’s work in the fields, and sinks into his favorite chair in front of a fire. He has been working all day and he knows he has achieved what he wanted to achieve; there is nothing more to worry about, nothing left unaccomplished, and he can let go completely all his cares and concerns, content, simply, to be.

Glimpse After Glimpse

Sogyal Rinpoche

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There is a certain amount of humility in seeing myself as practicing meditation as a mental and physical comfort rather than a religious duty. Spiritual pride and competitiveness come about when I consider myself in terms of dutifully sitting every morning… ringing the bells… lighting incense… reciting prayers. Falling into this state of mind is a distraction from the simple joy of giving my mind and body a well-needed charging of batteries before I start my day and a well-deserved rest after a day of service. Just as some begin their day with a cup of coffee and relax after hard day with a drink, I can do the same in the arms of the Heart of Compassion. It is no big deal.

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