No One In The Boat

Wednesday, July 31, 2013:

A man was rowing his boat upstream on a very misty morning. Suddenly, he saw another boat coming downstream, not trying to avoid him. It was coming straight at him. He shouted, “Be careful! Be careful!” but the boat came right into him, and his boat was almost sunk. The man became very angry, and began to shout at the other person, to give him a piece of his mind. But when he looked closely, he saw that there was no one in the other boat. It turned out that the boat just got loose and went downstream. All his anger vanished, and he laughed and he laughed.

Thich Nhat Hanh: Being Peace

&

When I thought there was someone to blame for my problems, I become obstinate and refused to budge. It might have been better if I just would have stepped aside to avoid collision, realizing that what was a threat to me had no one steering it… no one to yell at… no one’s fault. There are times when I have felt the heroic urge to stand my ground against the juggernaut of despair and there have been times when there has been no room to step aside; but, for the most part, this courageous rampart was little more than the wiles of the ego. Sogyal Rinpoche writes: "All effort and struggle comes from not being spacious, and so creating that environment is vital for your meditation truly to happen. When humor and spaciousness are present, meditation arises effortlessly.”

geo 5,421

Restoration

Tuesday, July 30, 2013:

Restoration of our mental and spiritual health is in direct proportion to our recognized need for help and our willingness to work for recovery. Dishonesty, brain damage, indifference, and reservations are the only limitations to our recovery.

Little Red Book, p. 77

&

It hadn’t occurred to me that my excessive drinking and drug abuse caused brain damage. I knew I had, on more than one occasion, sustained blows to the head severe enough to lose consciousness. But drug and alcohol abuse? Brain damage, really? Isn't that a bit melodramatic of a diagnosis? Regardless of my opinion, untreated, brain damage, caused by all of the above, affects the way I think… and the way I think I think. 

            Depression is but one of the symptoms of brain injury. There are several more that confound us as we begin the process of recovery. To think of alcoholism and drug abuse as a treatable disease of the brain isn’t an excuse for our drinking. After long term abuse neurologists know that the brain is damaged for some of us in areas that affects our judgment in ways that are hard for us to discern.

Whether or not we were biochemically predisposed towards addictive behavior doesn’t matter by the time our lives have careened out of control to the degree that we realize we need help and seek treatment. However, we balk at treating the damage we have done to our brains even though very few of us would resist going to a doctor to seek medical solutions for anything from a common cold to a broken leg. 

          Moralists tell us to buck-up; that we don’t have a disease; that it is a matter of choice; that calling it a disease is a cop-out. More often than not the addict also thinks of addiction in moralistic terms and tries time and time again to break away from the prison of chemical abuse by manning-up. Failure along these lines can drive us to a demoralizing resignation to our demise and guilt that leads some to suicide. The fact is that I need to treat the damage I have done to myself in medical, as well as spiritual, terms. To ignore one or the other is the path to frustration and guilt with serious consequences.

4,420

Clarity of Mind

Monday, July 29, 2013:

21

Always maintain only a joyful mind.

▼

The point of this slogan is continuously to maintain a joyful satisfaction. That means that every mishap is good, because it is encouragement for you to practice the dharma. Other people’s mishaps are good also: you should share them and bring them into yourself as the continuity of their practice of discipline. So you should include that also. It is very nice to feel that way also.

Training the Mind:

Evolution of Mind Training,

Chogyam Trungpa

&

This practice of the dharma is not a Pollyanna outlook where we stick our heads in the sand and smile through adversity. It is about clarity and balance… not being storm-tossed or emotionally confused when the shit hits the fan. When trouble comes I am not necessarily a phone call away from help. Sometimes there isn’t anywhere to turn at all so I am forced to draw from an inner resource. The joy we speak of is a quiet joy… it is more a peace of mind. It is a comfort to feel a sense of wellbeing in spite of the circumstances that arises out of compassion. The compassion arising from the heart requires an open-mindedness that accepts all things as they are. Happiness, pleasures, discomfort, tribulations of every kind are my teachers. It isn’t so easy when someone we love dearly is suffering but how helpful can I be wringing my hands and worrying? If I am to be helpful I must be even minded and clear in my thinking lest I allow my emotions to do more harm than good.

geo 5,419

Isn't This Enough?

Sunday, July 28, 2013:

Drinking and the use of drugs were to fill a hole…a vacancy that was there when my soul shrank. The fuel of it all was fear. I saw myself as I truly am. I needed help and that help was with me all along. As the full moon rose before me, I spoke out, “Why… why can’t you show yourself to me as you did Saint John of the Cross or Dr. Fessler? Why do I have to be satisfied with hints and feelings? Where is my white-light?”

            I sat on the sandstone boulder above the creek. The sound of the water below and wisp of a breeze wafting through the chaparral punctuated the musty aroma of the earth around me and spoke gently to my heart, “Isn’t this enough?”

From: A Time Ago and Then,

by G.B. Couper

&

Isn’t this enough? It usually isn’t until I knife through the delusion: cutting through spiritual materialism. Here I am, diverting my attention from where I am when the subtle beauty of nature is all around me. I want to make up myths about it too. Do I need a bolt from heaven to get my attention? Can’t I take a minute out of my day to sit with it and breathe? Truthfully, I think I distract myself because, deep down inside, I fear death. People are born every minute of every day and then people grow old and pass away. I don’t know why I should fear death because I suspect it would be incredibly boring to live forever. I have diverted myself from the inevitability of death with drugs, alcohol, and every sort of thrill and adventure… skirting death as if to defy it. Alternatively, I have gone to churches and temples to listen to made up things about heaven, hell, or reincarnation, as a balm to give comfort. Maybe somehow I am driven to make sense of this brief turn in the light from the eternity that was there before I was born and will continue in some form after I go.

All of these are acceptable choices as far as I am concerned. Why not? But I suspect something else is going on. In this brief flash of time I can pay attention… use my eyes to see… my ears to hear… my senses to feel… my heart to love… They all give light and purpose beyond anything I can make up or pretend to believe in. Isn’t this enough?

geo 5,417

Mind Essence

Saturday, July 27, 2013:

 

If you are happy in meditating on your self-mind,

You should know that disturbing thoughts are a manifestation of

     the mind.

Therefore, identify your self with the mind essence.

Hundred Thousand Songs: Selections from

Milarepa, Poet Saint of Tibet

&

Mind essence: What is it exactly? Where is it located? What does it do? We think of the mind as that organic computer between our ears. But that mind is changeable… a head injury or chemical imbalance ought to convince us of that. When one of us is derailed we say he has lost his mind. But really, who is running the show? The heart is still beating… yes, I know… that is directed from the brain, but still, I suspect more is going on because, when I admit my faults to myself,…. who is it I am admitting them to?  Who is it that I am putting the mask on when I go to work to present myself to others? If the mind is nothing more than a set of neurons directed from central command between the ears, then do we lose some of it when a leg is cut off? I know, a neurologist could explain most of the ghost-leg experience of amputees, I’m sure… but really, don’t we all suspect something else is going on there? 

When I make up my mind to do something difficult, I am doing something quite miraculous because there is an outer union with the inner reality that goes on in that decision. When I believed something that there is little evidence of, I have created a new and better life for me, what is that? I suspect that this union is where I connect with something greater than myself. I call it the Heart of Compassion because it was in the heart of compassion that I experienced this mysterious union. Others call it God and that is okay with me because what is important about it is the experience and not the name it is called.

geo 5,416

Happy Destiny

Friday, July 26, 2013:

The Great Fact for Us

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 164

&

This is the clarion call that ends the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous but I believe it is a clear direction for all of us who embark on the spiritual highway. It is a directive and not a commandment. Once I have abandoned myself to God the rest comes natural... I don’t have to be told to do any of it. There is work to be done, there are forks in the road where I need direction once in a while and the road is sometimes uphill but it isn’t as though I need to be ordered to do anything. For the most part, it is clear to me where I’m going. The Fellowship of the Spirit is a loose federation of kindred spirits going the same direction… no leaders… no followers… no rules… no guilt… the Heart of Compassion leads me and the path is where I put my feet to pass through the landscape of hope towards the joy of peace.

geo 5,415

The Certainty of Beliefs

Thursday, July 25, 2013:

Certainty

When the wisdom of Rigpa shines, a growing sense of tremendous and unshakable certainty and conviction that “this is it” rises up: There is nothing further to seek, nothing more that could possibly be hoped for. This certainty of the View is what is to be deepened through glimpse after glimpse of the nature of mind, and stabilized through the continuous discipline of meditation.

Glimpse After Glimpse,

Sogyal Rinpoche

&

This realization perfectly describes the foundation for my confidence in the Heart of Compassion. I haven’t any similar confidence about other things I wrap around this profound experience with the divine like dogma. I might fake it but faking it draws me away from the central awakening that drew me towards spiritual practice in the first place; i.e., I might as well be drunk. That would be a misplaced certainty and not the certainty of the View. The View the Rinpoche speaks of is not the certainty that would fly an airliner into a tall building for the sake of Allah. The certainty of the View is the certainty of a glimpse at the divine… an experience so powerful that every belief is overturned no matter how righteous. This experience that says “this is it” doesn’t end there. That is only the beginning… no longer seeking, I am simply sitting and breathing. This is how I broaden and deepen the experience of my heartbeat with the pulse of the universe.

geo 5,414

Implanted Defects

Wednesday, July 24, 2013:

A PARTICULAR PATTERN

The masters tell us that there is an aspect of the mind that is its

fundamental basis, a state called “the ground of ordinary mind.” it functions as a storehouse, in which the imprints of past emotions are stored like seeds. When the right conditions arise, they germinate and manifest as circumstances and situations in our lives.

If we have a habit of thinking in a particular pattern, positive or negative, these tendencies will be triggered and provoked very easily, recur and go on recurring. With constant repetition our inclinations become more steadily entrenched, and continue, increasing and gathering power, even when we sleep. This is how they come to determine our life, our death, and our rebirth.

Glimpse After Glimpse,

Sogyal Rinpoche

&

This goes under the category of “why bother, I’m only human”. I’m only human so why should I fight so hard against my “fundamental basis”? If the good that I do is implanted as well as my character defects, then aren’t I fighting against nature? Something tells me that this thinking is one of those imprints that must be shaken off, like walnuts from a walnut tree, if I am to be free of impulses that would bind me. This takes effort but it is a mistake to think that I am wrestling moral depravity for the most part. For the most part my defects only affect my relationship with myself and others in annoying, maddening, or frustrating patterns: patterns that compel me to work against my better instincts… against my own wellbeing. I cross the line when these defects compel me into commonly perceived behavior that is considered immoral. This line is crossed when my behavior purposely, or unconsciously, harms myself or others.

So, what is to be done about it if these defects are implanted? That is too nice of an excuse. I believe that this is where prayer and meditation kicks in and I stop feeding myself with negative influences. I.e.; the music, the poetry, my taste in movies; all of my tastes in these are usually dark. That doesn’t mean that I burn my old CD’s or try to ban dark movies, but rather, it means that I take some time to feed myself with positive energy. This means that, when I see something wrong with the world, I work on solutions instead of sitting around bitching about it. As the Saint Francis prayer recommends: when I see hatred, I bring love; when I see discord, I bring harmony; when I see despair, I bring hope; when I see doubt, I bring faith; when I see shadows, I bring light; when I see sadness, I bring joy. This is a tall enough order but more positive that beating myself up for my shortcomings.

  geo 5,413

Let Go of It!

Tuesday July 23, 2013:

I ASK GOD TO DECIDE

“I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.”

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 76

&

This business of taking the Third Step would be a simple act of submission were it not for the mystery of that ear on the other end of the prayer. How many times have I heard a newcomer say; “I turned my will and my life over to the care of God and the rug was pulled out from under me. I found myself flat on my back… she left me… nothing I tried was working any longer… my bank account was empty… I lost my job and so on and on…what was going on?” I have witnessed this phenomenon time and time again and it still amazes me. While we may not be paying much attention to the words of the prayer, someone is. Call it what I want but it appears that I have given permission to the Heart of Compassion to do as it will with my life, so why would I be surprised if God took me seriously? The more I resist the worse it gets. I hang on to a character defect and, time after time, I run into one obstacle after another until I LET GO OF IT. The Spirit of Recovery is greater than I can imagine or would have ever believed had it not been for seeing it work in my life and countless others.

geo 5,412

Station V

Monday, July 22, 2013:

I watched Mel Gibson’s, The Passion of Christ, yesterday evening… yes, I was bored. Of course, I know of the controversy over its content (it’s supposed anti-Semitism) and, of course, it was a Mel Gibson opus with over-the-top realistic blood and violence. However; because it is drawn, although with extreme embellishment, from the texts honored by Christians for the past two-thousand years, it still has some gems to consider.

            The scene where Christ is struggling with the cross on the way up the hill (in which Simon is forced to help Jesus) is especially poignant because Simon was so reluctant to do so and had to be forced by the Romans to take the cross. The Gospels of Luke and Mark makes the point that Simon, a Cyrenian, was just passing through… probably stopped to watch the spectacle… no unlike craning one’s neck to see a car wreck as you pass on the freeway. It is the fifth Station (I was raised Catholic and, long after I abandoned that faith, I have loved the Stations of the Cross) and the symbolism of it is that some of us are unwilling to pick up the cross… to help out in any realistic way if the task looks difficult and is a bloody mess that will mess up my clothes. I would rather donate something than to do that. What the hell is a Cyrenian anyway?

geo 5,411

There is Nothing that isn't Natural

Sunday, July 21, 2013:

The Meaning of…

However, human beings have many different ways of realizing enlightenment. Some realize the meaning of life from birth and are detached in every stage of their life—beginning, middle, and end. Others achieve detachment by mastering the true meaning of study—that is, "self-study," the study of one's own skin, flesh, bones, and marrow. Some others learn as a Buddha; they do not possess understanding from birth or from self-study but gain it by transcending the world of opposites. Still others gain self-knowledge without resorting to masters, sutras or other means; their true nature manifests itself. Different types of people have different means of realization, and everyone possesses the ability to understand true function and meaning of their own nature.

Delivered to the monks

January 20, 1243 by Dogen

Excerpted from Shobogenzo Volume 1

-translated by Kosen Nishiyama and John Steven 1975

&

If I am truthful I have to admit that I have no idea what enlightenment is. I sit and listen. My body knows but I don’t. I pretend to have all the answers but I am only guessing at it… making a wild stab in the dark. I don’t have the surety of a true believer… a true believer in anything. In fact, I usually avoid true believers because, for the most part, true believers have quit the inquiry… the wonder of it all. So I look inside. I look outside. I look and see that the world is a very confusing place when I get stuck in the proposition that it is supposed to make sense. This, to me, is the function and meaning of my own nature. The thing that makes me human, or a dog, or a cat, and not a rock, is that I have eyes and ears… nerve endings everywhere… connected to the wonder of the cosmos. Immersed in the wonder of it I can actually know that there is no outside or inside. The air I breath… exhale and inhale…consumed and converted in my lungs… coursed through my veins by a blood pump made up of everything I ingest and shat out to fertilize the rest… all connected… all one with the star-dust of creation… an eternal dance with a pulse not unlike my own. There is nothing that isn’t natural. Even man-made structures like cities have the pulse of traffic going in and out from sunrise to sunset.  Even God isn’t up there or out there but in and out... up and down... and of everything. I see this in times of bliss and forget it otherwise but I watch my language when I speak in spiritual terms because the Heart of Compassion is there in the midst of it beating away on the drum of life… so, I will live it during this back-beat we call this interval of life between birth and death… the breath inhaling and exhaling.

   Now I can relax... here I can rest.

geo 5,410

Were You There?

Saturday, July 20, 2013:

Last Night I watched the biopic about Abbie Hoffman titled “Steal This Movie” by Robert  Greenwald, released @2000, before 9/11. The flick, with Janeane Garofalo as Anita, and Abbie played by Vincent D’Onofrio, was interesting enough to hold my attention throughout. Old footage of the sixties, especially the Chicago riots, were spliced in awkwardly but worked well enough nonetheless. I suppose it is because the black and white or grainy color contrasted nicely to give a feeling for the times. One of the things about growing older is the sense that the reality I lived through is now damned near ancient history. Whenever I watch documentaries about the sixties and the Vietnam War protests I get an uneasy feeling… as though, just by being history, these times are made into little more than nostalgia for us (… the times are better now and that war was different!) or they are sometimes, as this one was, a weak call to arms for the youth of today.

            Another uneasy thing happens to me most of my generation doesn’t talk about that much (and this movie only touched on) is the feeling that our counter culture idealism was corrupted by the so-called leadership. In the beginning the movement leaders published as anonymous and everything was supposed to be free… and it remarkably was (I remember folks passing out Acid at concerts and on the streets free of charge). Most of the street level “Hippies” I knew of at the time were not involved in the politics beyond “rapping” about it while passing a joint. It was about the music and the drugs... and political rallies? They were more like rock concerts... maybe a chance to get laid or stoned or both. Reality sank in through the haze. We all had to get a job… sex wasn’t free after all. Babies sprung out and we needed to either support or abandon them. It was over before it started. Huge egos… folks like Abbie Hoffman, Jerry Rubin, Tom Hayden, Bobby Seals, and the rest of the Chicago Eight were figureheads creating a nostalgic past before they ever went to trial.

Ya’ just can’t trust anyone over thirty, eh? Has age made me that cynical or is my cynicism based on reality? I admit, I was on the sidelines for most of this stuff but my activism began while I was still in High School… I have creds for that. I was part of the boycott of Woolworths back in the mid-sixties as a member of Friends of SNCC (Student Non-violent Coordinating Committee). And I took our daughter to No Nukes rallies in the early eighties. As a member of Solidarity I watched the Tom and Jane show try to organize the Campaign for Economic Democracy around their fame.

There is more but I’ll leave it there. I have to go out and smash the state.

geo 5,410

           

Choices

Friday, July 19, 2013:

I awoke the other night and, because of so many worries, I couldn’t go back to sleep. A foreign movie in subtitles was on the tube and, thinking that this ought to lull me back to dreamland, I watched it. The story line was of a promising violinist in training who had fallen in love with a beautiful girl. He asked her father for her hand in marriage and her father’s response was that of scorn… "you have a lot of nerve asking for her hand in marriage. You are a musician and musicians are always poor. How do you expect me to give my daughter away to a life of such deprivation?"

            The violinist told his mentor about the sadness of this rejection and that he was ready to quit everything because of his despair. The master passed on to the student the violin his master had passed on to him saying, now you are no longer a student, for you know great sorrow. Now you are a master, every note you play will resonate with that sorrow bringing great beauty and joy into the world. Of course, the violinist went on to achieve fame while the woman of his desire married a man of substance and raised a family with grandchildren. The story continues…they meet each other on the street at an older age; she didn’t acknowledge him and pretended to not recognize him. They pass on into the night tearfully… still longing… still in love.

            I’m not sure how the movie ended because I went back to sleep. However, I got something of value from it. Maybe the lovers got together in old age or maybe they didn’t. It doesn’t matter to me because the point I got was that, even when I desire something so very strongly ... God, or the Heart of Compassion, doesn’t always grant my heart’s desires. This admonition comes with a warning that I ought to be careful what I pray for... it might be granted. When I first arrived in San Francisco to be an artist, I declared to myself that I would live on Nob Hill or the squalor South of Market Street. But I sometimes wonder, how many of my heart’s desires have delayed, waylaid, thwarted or otherwise distracted from my true calling? How much has striving for greatness denied me the comforts of a normal life? And how has great sorrow compelled every brush stroke or note I play?

            My life has met failure many times at both love and art; but, I am satisfied that I have been able to find love at a late age in my life.  If I were to weigh one against the other I have no doubt which I would choose.  It seems to me that some have been blessed to have had both love, grandchildren and fortune. When I think of that I get depressed but, in the end, I live with what I have and call that fortunate enough. A life without love is an empty one no matter how much in material gains of fame and fortune I might, or might not, have achieved.

geo 5,409

What! Me Panic?

Thursday, July 18, 2013:

DELIVERANCE

His thoughts are calm, his speech is calm, his deeds are calm; such is the calm of one who has obtained Deliverance by Right Knowledge.

DHAMMAPADA 96

&

What! Me panic?

I have a miles to go, most certainly. However, I do find that meditation practice gives me an emotional balance I neither expected nor did I want. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying I’ve reached some sort of heavenly bliss where nothing bothers me, but, since I have begun this practice, I can face more adversity without panic. I sit and, when I rise, I go to work... move my hands... it just works that way. I don’t have to try. It is often said in AA that you can’t think my way into right action but you can act your way into right thinking. While I don’t disagree with this adage, I know that the action of sitting… not necessarily thinking about my problems... but just sitting with them… that often the solution percolates to the top. Meditation, for me, isn’t a passive practice. It is preparation for action… action for problems I neither know of nor do I hope to resolve. I just sit long enough for the Heart of Compassion to sink in without me even knowing it.

geo 5,408

Is Justice Blind?

Wednesday, July 17, 2013,

The Courage of Convictions

There could be no bigger mistake than to think that ignorance is somehow dumb and stupid, or passive and lacking in intelligence. On the contrary, it is shrewd and cunning, versatile and ingenious in the games of deception, and in our wrong views and their burning convictions we find one of its deepest and, as Buddha said, most dangerous manifestations;

What do you have to fear from the wild elephant

Who can only damage your body here and now,

When falling under the influence of misguided people

and wrong views

Not only destroys the merit you have accumulated in the

   past,

But also blocks your path to freedom in the future!

Glimpse After Glimpse

Sogyal Rinpoche

&

I can be absolutely right about my convictions and completely wrong about the spirit in which I express them. There was a time when I jumped on band-wagons to express outrage at every injustice… imagined or real. Today I am more cautious and lend my spirit to causes only after going through a checklist to search my motives:

·         Am I acting out of guilt… afraid to take no stand lest I be judged by others?

·         Do I have first-hand knowledge or am I being led by the convictions or charisma of others?

·         Am I motivated by even a hint of revenge or anger?

·         Am I compelled by ego to ride above the common crowd on my high-horse to save or lead others?

·         Am I motivated by fear?

·         Have I taken time to sit with myself and seek guidance from the Heart of Compassion?

·         Am I trying to solve the problem rather than provoking divisiveness?

These are but a cursory review before I put my signature on a petition, stand in protest, or take the opposite view. My heart goes out in sympathy for the family of Trayvon Martin (though I cannot understand the anguish and despair they must feel). But I am also aware that there are demagogues who exploit feelings while they are raw; whether I feel George Zimmermann’s conviction was just or that the law caused a great injustice to the Martin family. I have to take the time to seek out my own heart on the matter before I fly off the handle with raw emotion either way. It takes a certain amount of restrain and fearlessness to take this position but I have faith that time proves me out more often than not and my mind is free to explore the solutions. This is true in personal relationships as well as in national conflicts.

geo 5,407

When Superstition Was Science

Tuesday, July 16, 2013:

When Astrology Was Science

I find it curious, as I think back on it, Mercury went retrograde right after Bonnie’s surgery. You astrologers know that Mercury is the planet associated with communication and the medical arts/sciences. An astrologer would have advised us to wait on the surgery until the planet was no longer retrograde. They would've said that it is no wonder at all that Bonnie’s surgery went well but that she had a difficult time recovering. In retrospect, I would have to give them that much. However skeptical I might be of what I consider to be oogah-boogah sciences, I can suspend my beliefs enough to allow room for beliefs I think of as primitive, superstitious, and of no discernible consequence. I am grateful for the skills and the knowledge gained by medical practice since science superseded superstition, but that doesn't mean that I sneer at what practitioners have employed for aeons before the ascension of the sciences. After all, I had to set aside my biases against the power of the Heart of Compassion to see that there was a better way of living that incorporated beliefs beyond my limited comprehension. I haven’t abandoned my preferences towards scientific empiricism in my spiritual practice. I simply employ that which works and shelve that which I don’t understand under the category of “To Be Revealed”.

geo 5,406

Just Enough

Monday, July 15, 2013:

This morning I didn’t want to pray or meditate… especially to meditate. I am a little under the weather, as they say, and don’t feel up to doing much at all. Going to the hospital several times a day to sit with Bonnie is about all I have the strength for as I feel a slight cold coming on. Habits established over the years have me sitting on the cushion regardless of how I feel. Once I sit the routine kicks in and there I am. There I am with a warm nothingness enveloping my spirit and a calm arises and emotions still. This is the heart opening to the grace of God… the union I am seeking. I don’t have to believe in it at all… not God or anything. I just sit and breathe… that is enough to kick-start it. I am grateful that this habit was set long ago because, had I felt like I did this morning, I would not have yielded to the Spirit of Compassion today. I stood from meditation with enough strength to carry on… nothing all that miraculous… just enough, that is all.

geo 5,405

Karma

Sunday, July 14, 2013:

Supposing George Zimmermann is not innocent; supposing he did track down Trayvon Martin with the intention to kill him; supposing the jury was motivated by racially; supposing all that and more; the prosecution did not present evidence convincing enough to pass muster. Can I be angry? Can I be disappointed? Can I regret the outcome?

I have friends on both sides and I get it. I’m white… I’m white and it is supposed that because I am white I haven't a dog in this fight… that I should back off if I think George Zimmermann is innocent… or at least not guilty. However; it isn’t supposed that, because I’m white, I shouldn’t jump in if I think George Zimmermann is guilty and got away with murder.

Truthfully, I sat on my hands throughout the controversy over this case. I have learned, from personal experience with the judicial system, as it stands in the USA, that prosecutors don’t care one way or another whether the accused is innocent or guilty… they just don’t like to lose ( as witnessed by how they stick to their guns even when DNA evidence later proves otherwise). I know that defense lawyers don’t like to lose either. They don’t care about innocent or guilty; they just want to defend, as best they can, their client… get a lighter prison sentence or a “not guilty” verdict. We watch from the sidelines and some, in the news media and the rest of us watching it on T.V., see these sensational trials as a rating grabber, or a game, and could care as much about the results of these trials involving the lives, of the accused or the victim, meaning little more to them than a scorecard… no more than the results of the Super Bowl… it gets ratings. Everybody chooses sides and some even place bets.

So I sit after the verdict came in yesterday and prayed for the Martin family… and the extended family of Afro-Americans. I know, however, no one got by with anything. George Zimmermann and his family have a weight over their hearts and I pray for them too. Karma doesn’t weigh things in terms of guilty or not guilty as the legal system does. Karma isn’t a scorecard… it measures intent… the spirit. What I have to pay attention to is my own karma. If I am to take grief, or joy in the outcome, it affects how I act towards others. Karma determines how I act towards others and that determines how well I sleep at night or, more importantly, whether or not I would have pulled the trigger if I were George Zimmermann.

geo 5,404

A Simple Compassion

The past couple of weeks have been interesting. My mind has been jumping around from one fear to another; from relief to relief; from doubt to doubt. I suppose it isn't a complete disassociation from my spiritual core because, in the end, my faith endured. I had to let go of everything and resort to a simple compassion that springs from a love that is greater than any love my own heart has the capacity of. I'm not unique in this because examples of similar experiences are to be seen everywhere. It happens when firefighters stand in harm's way... rushing into burning buildings disregarding their own lives for the sake of another.  It happens when a soldier holds true to his squad under fire and sacrifices his own life for the sake of his fellows. It happens when a mother brings her child to her breast and gives of herself without thinking about it. It happens whenever and wherever anyone gives of themselves regardless of their beliefs. The Heart of Compassion transcends all dogma and cares deeply for all of  us no matter what.

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p.s. I got confused 

on numbers of days

 the past week .

Spiritual Warfare

A SPIRITUAL WARRIOR

Difficulties and obstacles, if properly understood and used, can be an unexpected source of strength…

… To be a spiritual warrior means to develop a special kind of courage, one that is innately intelligent, gentle, and fearless. Spiritual warriors can still be frightened, but even so they are courageous enough to taste suffering, to relate clearly to their fundamental fear, and to draw out without evasion the lessons from difficulties.

Glimpse After Glimpse,

Sogyal Rinpoche

&

This “spiritual warrior” talk can be confusing to some. The topic of spirituality was being discussed in martial terms in a meeting I attended some time ago. A woman protested, “Why all this military talk? That way of thinking is behind all our violence and wars…” I still think about that woman’s objection.

            First off: Wars today are usually declared by politicians. The most peace loving people I know are veterans of war. Secondly: martial terms are used universally in the texts of nearly every spiritual or religious teaching. The Christian Bible has several references to armor. My favorite one is from the Epistle to the Ephesians (6:13-18) where it admonishes us to “put on the whole armor of God… for we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, and against wickedness in high places.” The writer continues, identifying the rest of a soldier’s equipment: loins girded with truth (I find it interesting that the truth is a jock-strap protecting our most valuable assets); breast-plate of righteousness; feet shod with the gospel of peace; and the shield of peace.

            It doesn’t take much to see the rest of the military terms used to create a cooperative and disciplined cohesion of a fellowship. The Buddhists call it the dharma and the Sangha to be taken as seriously as a soldier preparing for war.

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Humility in Action

One of the hardest things for the ego about hospitalization is acceptance of where we are and what it will take to recover from the reason we're hospitalized in the first place. Suddenly, so much of what our bodies do in such times can be humiliating... we lose control of things we usually take for granted... like bowel movements or the ability to hold food down when we were put in a damned near alien environment where we were plugged in to so many monitors and machines... so many limitations and restrictions... even to simply breathe takes an oxygen mask. We are told our most important thing we can do is to breathe... the medical staff is there to take care of the rest. Gradually, the perimeters around us are lifted as we take on more responsibility. Recovery often depends on how compliant we are to instruction and that, almost as much as our will-power, can determine when we can be sent home. It is a triad of yielding, will-power properly applied, and that magical extra something... the spiritual booster shot.
     This lesson in humility heen in action in other areas of my life.

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Distraction and Technology

We are so addicted to looking outside of ourselves that we have lost access to our inner being almost completely. We are terrified to look inward, because our culture has given us no idea of what we will find. We may even think that if we do, we will be in danger of madness. This is one of the last and most resourceful ploys of ego to prevent us from discovering our real nature.

            So we make our lives so hectic that we eliminate the slightest risk of looking into ourselves. Even the idea of meditation can scare people. When they hear the words egoless or emptiness, they think that experiencing those states will be like being thrown out the door of a spaceship to float forever in the dark, chilling void. Nothing could be further from the truth. But in a world dedicated to distraction, silence and stillness terrify us; we protect ourselves from them with noise and frantic busyness. Looking into the nature of our mind is the last thing we would dare to do.

Glimpse After Glimpse,

Sogyal Rinpoche

&

I had no idea how addicted to distraction I was until after 9/11 I cut-off my cable service. I thought I’d find more time for creative pursuits. Immediately, I reacted as though I was a junkie that had his supply of dope taken away. I searched frantically for distraction. I had purchased my first computer back then and I went from site to site looking for some distraction while talk radio played in the background. I became angry and agitated once I got home and had nothing to do. I did not get more productive because something was wrong… I was using my natural instincts towards creativity as a distraction too. I had to find some way to make peace with distraction. I think I did just that once I used these great information and communication devices as tools for inspiration rather than a way to avoid inner discovery. Once I did that, instead of feeling as though I was being ejected from a spaceship, it felt more like being let out of a jail. There are inmates in prisons and mental institutions that are afraid of what awaits them outside of the bars. Isn’t that true for most of us?

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The Bardo of Life

Saturday, July 6, 2013:

Sometimes I feel that I’m not so sure I can deal with much more travail in our lives. Bonnie’s heart surgery was one thing, but thrown on top of that was liver and kidney failure. Thank God her liver and kidneys are recovering because I’m not so positive I could handle it if she were to be taken away from me. She is a beacon of light in my life and, like the love I have for Alanna (and once had for Carrie), I was sorely afraid that Bonnie would be taken away too. I still haven’t fully recovered from the loss of thirty years ago and the fear of that has revisited me. So, I deal with fear: fear of loss.

I’m not so very afraid going into the later years of my life alone but it is hard to accept the suffering of a loved one. I suppose that this is a part of aging: friends pass away and those who are dear to us sometimes suffer. It causes me to cherish the good fortune I’ve had in family and the few friends that have stuck around… at least I still have my mother and father, my sisters, all my nephews, grand nephews and nieces... and those adding another generation faster than I can count. Life goes on and passes. I am so very glad that I have been afforded the love and passion of a life that has been full regardless of my stumbling around.

Tibetans call this life a “bardo”. A bardo is that space between inhaling and exhaling. It is but a brief moment in eternity and my thinking tells me I ought to either be depressed about it or enjoy it while I can. Now, there are several ways of enjoying this bit of time. One is through excess and an other is all about breaking through that barrier of one breath to another. It doesn’t matter all that much to me… both end and so we might as well love each other… eh?

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Where Do We Go?

Friday, July 5, 2013:

Here is where the rubber hits the road… where faith is applied… where acceptance is the only viable alternative to despair.

I was, however, fascinated by Bonnie’s absence of mind. Actually, I don’t really think she went anywhere. She was very present, but to us onlookers, it seemed that she wasn’t. I believe that her mind was scanning… going over and over again the same phrases, words and pleas for help… scanning for something to anchor itself on. It can be described as more of a semi-conscious state rather than an unconscious one. The studies using M.R.I.’s to see what parts of the brain lights up might show some surprising results as these fantastic devices have been used in the past to do so for everything from Alzheimer’s to meditative states of elevated consciousness.

I also believe that it wasn't necessary to resort to baby talk when addressing Bonnie as her mind was merely somewhat elsewhere... she was still an adult... eh?. My personal experience with having gran mal seizures, and still being conscious but unable to speak, is where I experienced similar treatment by those concerned about me. Because I couldn’t put together any words, it was assumed that I wasn’t there. I also remember when Big Al was in a coma and close to death. We, his friends, were gathered around his bed and chatting as though he wasn’t a part of the conversation. Someone said something about the Saint Francis Prayer and Al let out a loud grunt. As we recited it in unison, Al’s continence changed and he grunted louder after we finished. I believe this was his way of letting us know he was still with us.

Every drunk that has experienced a black-out knows something of this too. The rages and so on are like an automatic brain scan... a search for some way out of the insanity and very little of it comes back after we wake up the next morning... I have always wondered where I went at such times.

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Mind What Matters

Wednesday, July 3, 2013:

MIND OVER MATTER

Mind over matter means that, if I don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. If it matters, I ought to best be mindful of it.

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P.S.

            Bonnie is improving. I’m on my way to see her. I update on facebook… sooooo.

Compassion is Grace

It is a completely different day today. Bonnie is showing signs of recovery. The liver and the kidneys are still an issue but I am hopeful for full recovery… hopeful. I’m not so sure the Dr.s are disclosing everything to me… they are sometimes overly cautious in what they tell me and I can’t blame them for that. However, I do get an overall impression that Bonnie has a good chance to fully recover. It could be wishful thinking on my part too so I am prepared for it otherwise. It takes some degree of surrender… accepting the powerlessness but still holding on to that fight to overcome. After all, what is all this business of recovery about anyway?

            I sit at her bedside and hold her hand as she says the same phrases or words over and over again…. as though her brain is on auto-pilot and is going over a flight pattern that is obscure to me. I wonder what is going on in her mind. We hope it is the repairing process… employed after millions of years of evolution… a place where poets and dreamers go… perhaps.

            Medical science: I’m afraid that all this technical equipment is alienating nursing skills away from TLC and redefining them in terms of monitoring computer screens. One older nurse admitted to me… “It is all a numbers game now.” She knew as well as I know that the human touch is becoming alien to the present generation of the practice. That is why it is all the more important for family or friends to be involved with doing things like holding a hand and assuring, with a calm and kind voice, that they are loved and cared for.

           I can tell which ones “get it” when I come back from home from a night of rest and see clean sheets and her bed clothing neatly arranged in the morning. A good example of this happened yesterday. When I returned from running some errands, I asked the nurse, who was fully engaged with the monitor screen, how Bonnie was doing. Her answer was discouraging, saying there was no improvement from when I left… Bonnie still didn’t respond to us and that she didn’t open her eyes or recognize anyone. I simply gave Bonnie a sop of water and told her I love her. She opened her eyes immediately and said I love you too. The nurse was surprised. I was not. It is a sad thing but it told me how important it is that I be there even when it looked like my presence was useless. The Heart of Compassion is there when I am compassionate. Compassion is the Grace of God.

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Watching Bonnie

Another day at the hospital. Watching Bonnie has been hard to do because I feel so helpless to do anything for her. She calls out… pleading… for what??? And then she drifts off into her head… eyes closed mumbling names and places… she sees her mother and calls out to her… I sit and hold her hand… doesn’t know who I am or where she is.

The mind, is it connected to the brain at all? I’m not sure… but I do know this… all the talk about spirituality and consciousness seems nonsense at this time. The computer is no longer connecting in there to anything I can comprehend from out here. These things are beyond anything I can control. We just think we have these things figured out about morality, will and so on… but when that bit of gray matter between our ears gets scrambled or when a simple thing like blood sugar goes haywire… everything we know, and damned near everything we think we are, goes out the window.

So, Dr.’s of Divinity and so called Spiritual Giants, what the fuck do you have to say about that? Where is God in any of this? What does it matter if I am kind and compassionate if it all is but a vapor? Why bother? It isn’t so much that I am mad at God or anything like that… I just don’t believe in God or anything like that. We die and it all goes back to where it came from… this consciousness business. So what if I’m as evil as Adolf Hitler… so what if I am Mahatma fucking Gandhi? Does it matter in the big picture where this biomass of human neurons connected arose from the primordial ooze just a short time ago in the grand scheme of things is? Do you really think so or is it all just a charade for charlatans who… well, might as well as anything else, be charlatans.

Okay, so I admit it freely… I am but one of those fakers… a fakir of sorts. Should I wear the mask of someone who cares, I will wear it the best I can, lay on a bed of nails...because why not? When I ask why, the answer seems to be, why not? Why not be kind as long as I can in this brief and meaningless span between birth and death? Why should I not try my best to find peace and maybe even happiness here and now? Now and then I think it better to believe in something than to believe in nothing at all. So, do I really know that there is a Heart of Compassion beyond the limitations of my own blood pump? Sometimes I am sure of it and at others, like these,… I just wonder.

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