Watching Bonnie

Another day at the hospital. Watching Bonnie has been hard to do because I feel so helpless to do anything for her. She calls out… pleading… for what??? And then she drifts off into her head… eyes closed mumbling names and places… she sees her mother and calls out to her… I sit and hold her hand… doesn’t know who I am or where she is.

The mind, is it connected to the brain at all? I’m not sure… but I do know this… all the talk about spirituality and consciousness seems nonsense at this time. The computer is no longer connecting in there to anything I can comprehend from out here. These things are beyond anything I can control. We just think we have these things figured out about morality, will and so on… but when that bit of gray matter between our ears gets scrambled or when a simple thing like blood sugar goes haywire… everything we know, and damned near everything we think we are, goes out the window.

So, Dr.’s of Divinity and so called Spiritual Giants, what the fuck do you have to say about that? Where is God in any of this? What does it matter if I am kind and compassionate if it all is but a vapor? Why bother? It isn’t so much that I am mad at God or anything like that… I just don’t believe in God or anything like that. We die and it all goes back to where it came from… this consciousness business. So what if I’m as evil as Adolf Hitler… so what if I am Mahatma fucking Gandhi? Does it matter in the big picture where this biomass of human neurons connected arose from the primordial ooze just a short time ago in the grand scheme of things is? Do you really think so or is it all just a charade for charlatans who… well, might as well as anything else, be charlatans.

Okay, so I admit it freely… I am but one of those fakers… a fakir of sorts. Should I wear the mask of someone who cares, I will wear it the best I can, lay on a bed of nails...because why not? When I ask why, the answer seems to be, why not? Why not be kind as long as I can in this brief and meaningless span between birth and death? Why should I not try my best to find peace and maybe even happiness here and now? Now and then I think it better to believe in something than to believe in nothing at all. So, do I really know that there is a Heart of Compassion beyond the limitations of my own blood pump? Sometimes I am sure of it and at others, like these,… I just wonder.

geo 5,393