More Harm Than Good

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP NINE

(p. 83)

1. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. 2. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. 3. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which, by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.

                                  ~

The whole idea of making restitution is based on easing, and taking responsibility for, the suffering I caused as I careened through life. The military term is collateral damage; stuff that happened that I had no intention of causing along with my intended target. Leaving aside the latter, there are those too who had no idea that I had done anything at all to them or had simply forgotten about it entirely. Sometimes these are trivial and totally unnecessary acts of contrition that wax towards a selfish disregard for the peace of mind of others and the only benefit is solely my own. Paying back (in payments for instance) what is reasonably possible for debts can be the remedy for the grief I caused debtors (i.e., instead of grandstanding with my whole paycheck and shorting my landlord the rent) is a good example that applies here. The whole point of this Step is to unburden and clear the grip my past has on me and not to go willy-nilly into areas I had no business in at all that  certainly do not have any positive outcome for anyone. Being able to discern the absolute from the relative is a Dzogchen principle that applies neatly here… to remove whatever stands between me and my true nature.

---

geo 4,808

An Honest Atonement Plea

TWELVE STEPS

 AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP NINE

(p. 83)

After we have made the list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we still see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. 1. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. 2. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosure do them or others more harm than good. 3. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.

~

This concept was easy to understand when I watched what brought down most of my friends. I saw them get sober a week or two and immediately proclaim that they had made amends to their families, friends, employers or enemies... only to have gone on a bender and had to make amends to these people all over again. Often met with doubt and distrust, they became discouraged and some even gave up. I made damned sure I wouldn't make the same mistake. The simple fact that we have to get sober for our own benefit first escapes those of us whose primary motivation is to please wife, children, employers or friends. I am sober today because, even though I had a sincere desire to make good with those I love, I had to be able to stand on my own two feet first. Understanding that the people we have harmed deserve a sincere effort to mend the damage we have done and that any sincere effort has to be bolstered by a sane mind and even disposition. After all, those I love had heard me say "I'm sorry" repeatedly, long before I understood at all what an honest atonement plea entails.

---

geo 4,807

Hearing, Seeing, Feeling...

Keeping my eyes open during meditation, I see. My body doesn't miraculously shut down its other senses and I don't put earplugs in my ears either. I don't hold on to each note when listening to music as I might the feel of a fresh breeze when the thermometer rises into the high nineties. I can't numb my senses down during meditation nor ought I. So, why then do I suppose I ought to close my eyes when I look inwards. The whole point of my meditation is to be here... now... for a few minutes a day to sit quietly... to breathe... to feel... to see things as they are: even my thoughts.


I might even need a teacher to help me do this with the least effort but a teacher doesn't necessarily dispense wisdom. Wisdom comes from looking, hearing, feeling... the whole package contained in this bag of skin that is called George. All of my mistakes... all of my wrongs... all of the appreciation in spite of some of the ugliness I see within... without.


geo 4,806

The Spider Web of the Past

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP EIGHT

(pp. 81-82)

… we can now commence to ransack memory for the people to whom we have given offense. To put a finger on the nearby and most deeply damaged ones shouldn't be hard to do. Then, as year by year we walk back through our lives as far as memory will reach, we shall be bound to construct a long list of people who have, to some extent of another, been affected…admitting the things we have done, meanwhile forgiving the wrongs done us, real or fancied. We should avoid extreme judgments, both of ourselves and others involved. We must not exaggerate our defects or theirs. A quiet, objective view will be our steadfast aim.

~

Chogyam Trungpa refers to our direction as post-meditation practice. It is all about "carrying the path". In other words, he means, whatever happens in my life is included in the journey.

            It doesn't take much imagination to see where diseases such as liver failure or stomach ulcers are the result of past behavior. Before I run with excessive guilt and remorse I need to relax and understand that I was simply drawn into the web of desire... fulfilled or denied. I stray off the path… get into the briar patch and then struggle to get back out of the weeds. In the case of the aforementioned diseases we learn to live in the present. It is futile to blame ourselves or others for where I am now. Change or amends must be made… changes in diet or treatment... if my aim is to recover. Acceptance of my disease doesn't translate into inaction where these are concerned and neither does the fact that I recognize I am on a spiritual path. I am on the path towards freedom from the spider web of Maya and there are amends to make to stay out of the bush.

---

geo 4,805

Tracking the Hart

My father was an excellent hunter. Not only was he able to find game, he was a great shooter whose aim hardly ever missed his target; he knew how to negotiate the forests stealthily in the areas we were familiar with; he knew how to find and make camp and, most importantly, how to break camp. Breaking camp was more than merely taking the tent down and dousing the camp fire but, to him, it was about leaving the camp in the condition we found it in. However, when dad went to Canada to hunt moose, he hired a guide… a guide that was as familiar with his domain as my father was with his.

            The spiritual path I chose is unfamiliar territory. There are basics I know that can be taken anywhere but, conversely, there are those who have no clue at all and need to be taken by the hand and taught the basics of hunting. These need a more comprehensive guide. However, I know how to shoot; how to be careful and silently move through the brush; how to make and break camp, but I know when I am out of known territory. Out of my territory, I need a guide and a guide is not someone I need to bow to: I need to respect hers/his knowledge. A sponsor or a guru is such a person… a master of the knowledge… the experience… the path… the hazards and the risks… but certainly not a master over me. The guide doesn't have to be a friend but a mutual respect arises as we go together through the terrain... a terrain where we seek the hart that is the Heart of Compassion.

---

geo 4,804

Clearing the Slate

I sit in a quiet place every morning and first review, through recited prayers that ask me, where have I brought hatred in lieu of love and so on? I'm speaking of what is called the Saint Francis prayer that has been adopted by the AA program as the Eleventh Step Prayer. The prayer walks my consciousness down a list of positive affirmations but stops me where I know in my heart I haven't met the standards described in it. This is not an exercise made to create guilt or remorse… though there are times when these are appropriate… but these words are employed to raise my consciousness towards action. Sometimes that action is merely to cease negative, self-centered, fear that lurks in wait behind all these trespasses. Making a mental note to take care of these matters, I can usually sit in peace. However, sometimes I am to sit until a higher consciousness directs my attention to the necessary action to take concerning this matter blocking the flow of serenity. True meditation is not an escape from these troubles but a most positive and productive way to start my day free of anxiety and doubt. I know I am doing well once I have cleared the slate and sit with the monkey chatter in my mind finally put to peace afterwards. A short plea of this kind is the Serenity Prayer:

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

---

geo 4,803

Made a List

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP EIGHT

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

(p. 77)

Steps Eight and Nine are concerned with personal relation. First we take a look backwards and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; and third, having thus cleared away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.

~

I balked thinking, "Why dig up the past… isn't it enough that I admitted the exact nature of my wrongs as I did in the Fifth Step?" Can't I start afresh and behave accordingly to these principles from now on? After all, I am no longer obsessed with drinking and, for the most part, I try my best to cause no harm to others. Why then ought I expose myself to further rejection from folks who probably don't even know about some of my past shenanigans? If I just let them slide, I can simply forget the past and live in the present… can't I?

Perhaps, but Step Eight simply asks me to make a list. In making this list I draw from what I've already worked on in the Fourth and Fifth Steps. In making that list I ought to see a pattern that helps me become willing to trust my Higher Power on this one. If my aim is to authentically live in the present I have to address the harm I have done to those who have loved me… to those I have loved… even to those I have despised!

A very important part of this accounting is the recognition that there may, or may not, be a resolution… a mending… restoration of deeply harbored divisions and disputes with family, friends and adversaries. It is, however, imperative that I try to look objectively… to simply list them without immediately considering how they will be resolved. Very often the person I imagined to have hated me had no such feelings whatsoever but mistook my avoidance out of guilt, fear or remorse, for contempt.

---

geo 4,802

An Honest Humility

Letting Go... Holding On

I came to understand that this whole spiritual business of rejuvenation is about the restoration of relationships. First of all I had to make an honest connection with my innermost self by admitting my alcoholism. This would seem to be a simple matter and it is (but for all the manifestations of ego that stand in the way of an honest relationship with my Self). For me it was alcohol and drugs that were the powerhouses behind my delusions. For others (I can't speak for them) there are a multitude of other wild manifestations of materialism that can stand in the way of freedom for the less extreme or obsessive. Even for the most perfectly pristine among us, it can manifest itself in what Chogyam Trungpa tagged "spiritual materialism". A death to self, a spiritual as well as a physical death, can strip away these impediments. Stripped of our persona, ... our masks, ... the mind stands naked for what it has always been; the architect of our reality.

Once the barrier of self is broken down, one way or another, a new relationship opens itself to a higher consciousness that some refer to as God. This is the Heart of Compassion that restores relationships with family, friends, debtors, rivals of every sort and the community around me; ever expanding into a universal appreciation and respect. After all, isn't humility just another word for respect? Respect for ourselves, respect for my fellow human beings, and that all radiates from a clear and present union with God.

---

geo 4,801

Mindfulness

Memory fails me but mindfulness doesn't. Memory is selective but mindfulness isn't. Careful attention to present behavior is essential for developing mindfulness. We in the West find it somewhat silly to take the extreme measures of causing no harm that is practiced in the East, even regarding insects. Karmic law, being what it is, can be best described in terms of how nature functions. It isn't as simple as "payback is a bitch" but such adages do much toward helping me with a perspective on it. When I make unreasonable demands for control over others, or depend of them, for things I can take care of myself, it sets up an attitude… karma, if you will, that saps the creative energy of mindfulness. Science is presently seeking out ways improve memory through pharmaceuticals and genetic engineering. Would that this effort results in mindfulness commends such research but, as I sit, I can develop mindfulness through humility… an open awareness of my relationship to the world around me.

Beyond selective memory or expectations...

I breathe.

---

geo 4,800

To Rise and Enter the Chaos

This whole business of character defects, and humbly working on them, puzzled me once I admitted I had them and that they no longer serve me. In meditation I found a vehicle that works, breathing in, taking total responsibility for them. fearlessly looking at them. Where have I erred? Inhaling... making no excuses… simply acknowledging them… knowing, with all my soul that the Heart of Compassion has already forgiven them. Now, forgive myself… Pause… and as I exhale undo the harm, reconcile, forgive, heal with understanding… it is what the Tibetans call Bodhichitta…the training of the mind.

            Humility opens my heart to union with a Power far greater than myself. It takes all my effort at first to sit with no effort with all that business… everything and nothing. Emotional balance and peace of mind arise as I set my mind… transmitting into the sphere of those near and dear to me… sending healing out to those I imagined to have harmed me… sending compassion to those who are in need. This is the perfection of humility… to rise and enter the chaos… calming the storm upon the waters and pausing when agitated or doubtful… navigating through the day ahead or the day that has passed. This is when meditation transcends navel gazing and I find peace.

---

geo 4,799

A Calling to Excellence

"It ain't braggin' if you can back it up."

I was a kid when a boxer named Cassius Clay won the Olympic Boxing Title in 1960. When Clay met Sonny Liston, he shirked the usual false humility of most boxers in prefight interviews. He taunted Liston, calling him "a big ugly bear" in the manner of pro-wrestlers. His style of boxing was so unorthodox and flamboyant that many of us who loved boxing at that time were stunned as Liston when Clay danced around the ring to a victory over Liston, affirming his boast, "I am the greatest!" 


I was a track and field athlete then who adopted Cassius Clay's attitude, declaring before each race, "I am the greatest!" and ran like I believed it. I was even nick-named Cassius Doogs among my friends because of similar boasts. I came to believe, from that experience, humility was of no use in life because victory came of believing in my self.

            What I didn't realize then, but I do know for certain now, was that humility had nothing to do with a hang-down submission. False pride and false humility is the same creature. True humility does not trump true pride. In fact, true pride and true humility are intimately connected. I can't achieve anything of value unless I take pride in what I do. No carpenter, no artist, no poet, no steel worker, no mother or father, no addict or alcoholic in recovery can do well at their calling to excellence without humility to learn and take pride in what they do. If I improve... hone my skills... believing I can, the world opens up to me. If I accept mediocrity then mediocrity is all I get out of my life. Cassius Clay was "the greatest" and he had taken enough pride in himself to submit to rigorous training from twelve years of age to achieve his goal of becoming the greatest of his time. It takes hard work, humility and pride to be "the greatest!"

            True humility is what helps me see my self as I am and true pride compels me to excellence.

Peacock Displays of Propriety

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP SIX

(P. 66)

Even then the best of us will discover that there is always a sticking point, a point at which we say, "No, I can't give this up yet." And we shall often tread on even more dangerous ground when we cry, "This I will never give up!" No matter how far we have progressed, desires will always be found which oppose the grace of God.

~

When I read passages such as these, I concluded that these folks in AA were simply taking on the aspects of the kind Puritanism that repulsed me in the first place. In truth, I felt I'd rather hang out with wet drunks than prigs such as these. I am still put-off by self-flagellating excesses of some of my fellows. I get so tired of hearing, "I'm not perfect by any means, but…" and then forced to listen as they proceed with a litany of petty shortcomings. I am tempted to say to those who recite these mea culpas, "Damn, get me outa here and pour me a beer!"

            Obstinate resistant to the Heart of Compassion is another matter altogether. I don't care if my brother smokes, or drinks if at his core he is kind and just. I don't care whether or not my sister in sobriety fails again and again at various misdemeanors against her libido if her heart is right. I know that I can mistake moral perfection for compassion and it is possible to indulge in every form of low behavior from character assassination to sexual predation while fooling myself into believing I am "working the Steps". I got sober because I had nowhere else to turn and not because I wanted to boast and parade my days and years of sobriety.

            Peacock displays of propriety don't impress me as much as a gentle heart and kind disposition. The reality is that it is an inside job and the only way these failures can be overcome is to surrender them to a Power greater than myself. My success along these lines is not for public consumption but for personal satisfaction.

---

geo 4,797

Let Them Slip Away

STEP SIX:

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

"This is the Step that separates the men from the boys (or the women from the girls [sic])." So declares a well-loved clergyman who happens to be on of A.A.'s greatest friends. He goes on to explain that any person capable of enough willingness and honesty to try repeatedly Step Six on all his faults --- without any reservations whatever --- has indeed come a long way spiritually, and is therefore entitled to be called a man who is willing to grow in the image and likeness of his own Creator.

TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS (p. 63)

An Honest and Open Willingness is the How of this Step. Willingness is not to be mistaken for willfulness… most of us have already tried willpower. I tried with repeated failure to will myself sober for a so many compelling reasons..; family, friends, employers, police and judges. I can admit too that there are many who can do this on their own. They decide to stop drinking, doing drugs, smoking or several other vices, applying only a sheer determination of will. Those without the disease will find people like me to be weak… that we need an imaginary friend like God or a fellowship of addicts/ex-drinkers to weep with. This is the chief reason so many uninformed refuse to see alcoholism to be a disease. It is hard for them to grasp that there are those among us whose willpower can move mountains but can do nothing… absolutely nothing!... against our addictions. Ironically, I have erroneously thought I could overcome my alcoholism by will power alone too. I have also mistakenly imagined that my character defects were disposed of in the same manner I had failed at so many times with my drinking. Only after failing to do anything about even minor dependencies have I been able to surrender them to a Power greater than myself. Letting go and letting God simply lets them slip away.

---

geo 4,796

Don't Fear the Rogue Elephant

GLIMPSE

AFTER

GLIMPSE

---- Sogyal Rinpoche

There could be no bigger mistake than to think that ignorance is somehow dumb and stupid, or passive and lacking intelligence. On the contrary, it is shrewd and cunning, versatile and ingenious to the games of deception, and in our wrong views and their burning convictions we find one of the deepest and, as Buddha said, most dangerous manifestations.

What do you have to fear from the wild elephant

Who can only damage your body here and now,

When falling under the influence of misguided people

                and wrong views

Not only destroys the merit you have accumulated in the

                past,

But also blocks your path to freedom in the future.

~

I don't have to go far to discover ignorance. I simply have to sit and look within. Before I meditate I ask myself, through the vehicle of what is called the Saint Francis Prayer: Let me be a channel of your peace… Where there is hatred, do I respond with love? Where there is wrong do I forgive? Where there is discord do I bring harmony? Where there is error… how did I encourage truth? That where there was doubt… where was my faith? Did I give hope to the downtrodden? Did I cast light on the darkness of sadness and despair? Where is my joy?

            Your solution, Dear Heart of Compassion, is to understand… to love… to forget my own comfort and desires for the meantime and forgive, not only myself, but, those who have troubled me. I will sit… allow the ego to give up the ghost and glimpse the infinite grace that lives forever as my heart becomes Yours.

---

geo 4,795

Choose Wisely

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP FIVE

(pp. 60-61)

Our next problem will be to discover the person in whom we are to confide. Here we ought to take much care, remembering that prudence is a virtue which carries a high rating. Perhaps we shall need to share with this person facts about ourselves which no others ought to know. We shall want to speak with someone who is experienced, who not only has stayed dry but has been able to surmount other serious difficulties. Difficulties, perhaps, like our own. This person may turn out to be one's sponsor, but not necessarily so. If you have developed a high confidence in him, and his temperament and problems close to your own, then such a choice is good. Besides, your sponsor already has the advantage of knowing something about your case.

… It may turn out, however, that you'll choose someone else for more difficult and deeper revelations. This person may be entirely outside of A.A. for example, your clergyman or your doctor. For some of us a complete stranger may prove the best bet.

~

Bill's advice on this subject has to be one of the most overlooked and this oversight often has tragic consequences. So many people, new to AA, or other programs, are pressured to find a sponsor before they have hit bottom or know even the basics of the First Step. Still unable to admit powerlessness over alcohol and certainly unable, or unwilling, to grasp the extent to which their lives have become unmanageable, they are compelled by house managers or program directors to seek out anyone… anyone at all to sponsor them. They are even encouraged to sponsor others while still in this condition. In the dark, it is the blind leading the blind. More often than not, the new prospect will choose someone just as sick as his/her self to be a sponsor.

            The example often used by those who promote this foolishness is that our co-founder, Bill W., certainly had no extensive experience, or time in sobriety, before he made that phone call and met with Dr. Bob. Contrarily, if I look closely at what had occurred, Bill W. had a spiritual advisor, was already convinced of the first two Steps, had already acknowledged his powerlessness, that his live was insanely unmanageable, surrendered to his Higher Power and believed God could restore his insanity, before the two met.

            In other words: Choose wisely… as though it were a matter of life or death… because it is!

---

geo 4,794

Indecision

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP FIVE

(p. 60)

… Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. How many times have we heard well-intentioned people claim the guidance of God when it was all too plain that they were sorely mistaken. Lacking both practice and humility, they had deluded themselves and were able to justify the most errant nonsense on the ground that God had told them. It is worth noting that people of very high spiritual development almost always insist on checking with friends or spiritual advisors the guidance they feel they have received from God. Surely, then, a novice ought not lay himself open to the chance of making foolish, perhaps tragic, blunders in this fashion.

~

The fool who thinks he is a fool is for that very reason a wise man;

But the fool who thinks he is a wise man is rightly called a fool.

Dhammapada 63

Indecision is cause for so much of my inner turmoil as I face the day's challenges... "Am I right or wrong? What will happen if I do or don't? Do I have to hurt one to help another?" It is especially vexing when it appears that there are two almost equally disastrous or beneficial consequences that will result from whatever I choose. Flipping a coin won't do either; but, after I have gone to an objective set of ears… maybe more than one set… wisdom arises if they will tell me what I need, and not what I want, to hear. I find that it is often too easy to accept those who will agree with me no matter what but it is another thing entirely to find true counsel. If I check my motives and seek the wisdom that comes from my core after I sit on it, the answers come. Setting my chin against the storm with bluff and bluster can be mistaken for courage of convictions. Self-awareness equals humility and humility is always open to suggestion.

---

geo 4,793

Trudge and Skip Along This Path

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

 STEP FIVE

 (From p. 60)

Somehow, being alone with God doesn't seem as embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical. When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and God.

            The second difficulty is this: what comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking…

~

We take this Step because, when we are truly convinced that it works, we understand that humility, forgiveness and understanding is a form of behavior that extends into all areas of our lives. I found that I was always thinking of myself foolishly and, to be honest, selfishness is still a powerful motivation for taking responsibility for how I have behaved.

But this Step infuses a certain amount of wisdom that causes me to think of others before I go off on fear-based rampages, character assassination, envy, sexual predation and so on. Once I see how much damage it caused others, and myself, I found that this kind of selfishness no longer works and that a new sort of selfishness does. As a result of precisely unloading where my life had taken such a negative turn, I was surprised that I became at peace with myself. This is so in spite of the all the normal and extraordinary challenges that have been presented to me as I trudged… or sometimes skipped… along this path I'm on. It is no longer a theory that sounds good to me but it has been spliced into how I conduct myself in relationships of every sort.

---

[1] geo 4,792

Mutual Respect

When I am approached by someone new to this Step, I am awed by the responsibility and listen without comment or advice (unless, of course, it is asked for). To interfere with the openness of this very private and personal introspection can disrupt true revelation. Listening is the most powerful tool I have for the newfound recovery of a fellow addict or alcoholic. It is so very helpful in easing the guilt and denial most of us carry well past our sobriety date. Most of my character defects stick around and are hard to shrug off without continued introspection and a willingness to listen.  Sharing my own wrongs, when called for, with a sponsee eases his1 trepidation and puts us on equal footing. Mutual respect arises out of a spirit that; psychiatry, psychology, therapies of all sorts, including the confessional, cannot offer. What we have that differs from all but a few religious disciplines is the recognition that we are, first of all, on equal footing with each other. That is why it is imperative that I don't put myself on a pedestal when one of us opens his heart to me. It is equally important we guard against allowing our fellows to suppose we are superior in any sense at all. We are not gathering disciples! After all, Step Five is all about opening ourselves up to the Heart of Compassion.

           

1 I use the male pronoun because I have found that I ought to stick to the basic principle of men sponsoring men and women likewise. All sorts of problems can arise if we ignore this precaution in most cases. There are rare cases… but they are perilous.

 geo 4,791

A Raging Bull

I held close to my heart so many grievous trespasses… crossing the lines of compassion like a raging bull in the proverbial china-shop… that I buried many or dismissed them saying, "I'm only human." There are time when long buried ones did percolate up into my consciousness in dreams that awakened me in the middle of the night. I would admit them to my innermost self and believe I had taken care of them. Sometimes I would even confess them to what I called God and, even when really drunk, make mention them to a pal or lover and excuse myself again. It is not surprising that guilt or denial colored most of my actions (but I couldn't see that!) and, when I behaved well, gave myself a pat on the back at the pretense I had atoned for past abuses.

It was only after I had taken a thorough and systematic inventory of the good and the bad in my past was I able to take Step Five effectively. It took looking at myself without making any excuses whatsoever that the true Heart of Compassion opened up to me with a new freedom… a giant weight… tons of obfuscation and denial… rolled off my back once I unloaded this burden with the help of (but not on) a trusted friend.

---

geo 4,790

Bring the Mind Home

The Buddha's solution to our character defects (i.e., samsara) is to "Bring the mind home" according to Sogyal Rinpoche. How this is done with the kind of clarity I need is simpler than I might fear. When I approached meditation with the notion that it was a difficult sacrifice to make or that it was one of those spiritual chores… a task, I missed the point. Meditation is more like coming home after a long and arduous journey. I can rest my mind if I simply breathe and let go. As my mind entertains shopping lists, projects or troubling thoughts... note them and realize it is futile to fight them… breathe and smile… they are just children playing… let them play themselves out until they too tire and want to rest with me. This is where I hit the sweet spot and meet with the love of my life… my Higher Power. I listen as my heart beats the rhythm of peace in union… the Heart of Compassion. One of meditation's first fruits is emotional balance.

---

geo 4,789

An Honest Inventory

THE TWELVE STEPS

 AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP FOUR

(p. 53)

But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most…

…Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend upon them too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us, for they are human too, and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands….

…When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt, and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts to control, and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant.

~

Bill W. put it best when he wrote (As Bill Sees It, p. 111), "We react more strongly to frustrations than normal people." I know several people who are social drinkers that simply don't have this character trait and don't obsess over what, how, or why other people do to them and just accept their loved ones' character defects. These are not sick souls. Of course, one doesn't have to be an alcoholic or an addict to be somewhat of a sick soul… but the healthier (and it is a relative term),emotionally balanced, don't seem to be affected to the degree we are.

            As I took my first honest inventory… looking back through the emotional turmoil of a lifetime of denial, I can see where my behavior went from the sanguine to passive aggression… trying to be at the top of the heap or hiding under it. Once I became willing to see myself as I am the humility of acceptance gradually began to work its way into my relationships with family, friends and even my political and social beliefs. In short, I stopped making demands of others and began seeking solutions within my own heart… seeing others (except, perhaps, the very worst among us, incapable of compassion)… as children of the same dynamic Spirit of the Universe.

---

geo 4,789

The High Tower of Arrogance

TWELVE STEPS

AND TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP FOUR

(Continued, p. 45)

If, however, our natural disposition is inclined to self righteousness or grandiosity, our reaction will be just the opposite. We will be offended at A.A.'s suggested inventory. No doubt we shall point with pride to the good lives we thought we led before the bottle cut us down. We shall claim that our serious character defects, if we think we have any at all, have been caused chiefly by excessive drinking. This being so, we think it logically follows that sobriety --- first, last, and all the time --- is the only thing we need to work for. We believe that our one-time good characters will be revived the moment we quit alcohol. If we were pretty nice people all along, except for our drinking, what need is there for a moral inventory now that we are sober.

~

I not only believed that I wasn't such a bad guy sober but that my troubles and excesses... even those caused by my drinking... were creative assets: i.e., my poverty was part of my chosen path; my spirituality… and I even imagined those excesses and abuses to be a stance against bourgeois conventions and morality… I was, after all, The Natural Man! I did have a few skeletons in my closet that were absolutely nobody else's business because I was square with them with whatever I thought of as God.

Before I sat down and put pencil to paper I had to look at this aspect of my behavior and that took a giant dose of humility that was driven, first, by the complete defeat brought on by this disease. When I saw the insane arrogance with which I had conducted my life and the trail of deceit, abuse of the kindness of others, outrageous behaviors and how they affected those around me I ceded and surrendered these to my Higher Power in the Third Step and plead to have them revealed with clarity in the Fourth Step.

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A New Structure

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP FOUR

(pp. 44-45)

This perverse soul-sickness is not pleasant to look upon. Instincts on rampage balk at investigation. The minute we make a serious attempt to probe them, we are liable to suffer severe reactions.

            If temperamentally, we are on the depressive side, we are apt to be swamped with guilt and self-loathing. We wallow in this messy bog, often getting a misshapen and painful pleasure out of it. As we morbidly pursue this melancholy activity, we may sink to such a point of despair that nothing but oblivion looks possible as a solution. Here, of course, we have lost all perspective, and therefore all genuine humility. For this is pride in reverse. This is not a moral inventory at all; it is the very process by which the depressive has so often been led to the bottle and extinction.

~

I had this notion that when I came to AA  I would be given weapons and armor protecting me from the temptation to drink. Once there, and getting there was the hardest part, I found that I had instead been given a kit of tools to not only raze the old structure of my life but to assist in raising a completely new one. Furthermore, I had a whole crew of volunteers to give me a hand wherever I needed one if I stayed connected to the community. As a member of that community, who has acquired the skills of recovery, wherever possible I too can assist those who need it. It is as simple as that… I don’t do this alone. As cunning and baffling as drugs and alcohol can be, I need all the help I can get. The spirituality that works for addiction directs my path towards connection to others. It is the spirituality union and not separatism… of God and me against the world.

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A Rake's Progress

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP FOUR

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”

(from p. 42)

Creation gave us instincts for a purpose. Without them we wouldn’t be complete human beings… So these desires --- for the sex relation, for material and emotional security, and for companionship --- are perfectly necessary and right, and surely God-given.

            Yet these instincts, so necessary for our existence, often far exceed their proper functions. Powerfully, blindly, many times subtly, they drive us, dominate us, and insist upon ruling our lives… Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct. When this happens, our great natural assets, the instincts, have turned into physical and mental liabilities.

            Step Four is our vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what these liabilities in each of us has been, and are…

~

It took some effort... even painstaking effort to dig into this suggestion. That moral part bothered me. I felt that three million years of human evolution had given us instincts that we suppress. Like many artists, I thought of myself as a free spirit that had shed the conventions of society and strove against bourgeois morality: from table manners, drug/alcohol to sexual conduct. I embraced the great Taoist poets who came down from their mountain caves to sate themselves with wine and hit the skivvy houses in town. Thankfully, these social conventions still restrained my dissipation to some degree… enough that murder, rape and outright thievery weren’t part of my M.O., but there are several other more subtle ways to cause almost irreparable harm to those who loved me and those I loved.

Once it was revealed to me that my excesses were misguided expressions of the very instincts I had touted. The one I neglected the most was the drive to survive and when I saw that my drinking, for instance, was so self-destructive that it, in itself, was enough to convince me of the futility of my thinking. Could it have been that I was wrong about this whole libertine philosophy?

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My Sanity a Mental Illness?

STEP TWO

“Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore us to sanity.”

Taking a good look inward… soberly… taking my own thinking and behavior to task, I know my insanity resisted the idea that I have a mental illness. You were insane... you were... but, do I  have a mental illness?

Something is askew in the way I think and behave no matter how long I have been sober. I don’t mind it at times because I have found ways to cope with, and exploit, this mental illness to my own advantage and to share the solution for it with others like me.

    Mental disease is misunderstood by the public at large. I know that, for myself, I once thought that the clinically depressed were self-obsessed and simply needed to put on a happy face... or I thought, "Why can't that bum drink moderately?" When I started to see the symptoms of each of these in my own case, I stood staunchly in denial of them. Even when I began my recovery I found that the resistance to alcoholism as a mental disease was still entrenched in my opinions even though I could admit it in reading the Second Step.

    I began seriously considering my own sanity. I saw how it was a motivating factor as a creative force that enabled me to think outside of the box. I thought outside the box alright... so outside the box that my behavior began destroying everything I created. Before I could do anything about it, I saw that that I had to dumb down a little to just “get it” in order to use sanity as a creative force. Still thinking outside of the box, my creativity took another direction and I am not so impulsively an emotional basket-case while taking the proper steps as a tool to check myself.

I had to re-evaluate everything I believed to be true; all the lies I told myself; all the misunderstandings; all the deceptions, evasions and shortcomings... even my political stances. Clearing my mind I still imagine I know what others should think and do about everything... thus, this blog. But I share my insanity and hope I hit a note that resonates with someone else. It no longer matters whether I am right or wrong... or think others are. What matters is that I get it out on a page and bounce it off my fellows.

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Direction...

Direction is what I needed and I had run out of great ideas. It seemed to me that I was standing at the crossroads so many spiritual folks talk about. Indeed, there were too many directions to go… each having a perfectly reasonable one to take. Luckily, or by fate, I came to a very healthy conclusion as I looked within. I realized that it was true my life had become unmanageable and I could take any one of these paths. I knew, however, I would still be dependent on someone, something, some organization of some sort (psychiatric therapy, church, ashram, temple, congregation… even AA seemed absurd at that point). I stood until all my strength left me and I fell to my knees begging for a direction… a burning bush of some sort.

In the end this capitulation led me to the doors of AA where I found the direction I longed for. Though, I believe, I could have made progress otherwise on any spiritual path but none would have given me the sort of fellowship that I found when I first stood on my feet and exclaimed that I am an alcoholic like you people. I was no longer alone and I had friends, people who had experienced what I had, and many who have had experiences beyond my own in sobriety and cleared the way ahead on the same path to recovery. It turned out to be the path to freedom.

There is a Buddhist prayer that goes that is helpful and its words contained the direction I asked for:

OM... Oh Thou who holdest the seal of power, raise Thy diamond hand, bring to naught, destroy, exterminate.

Oh, Thou sustainer, sustain all who are in extremity.

Oh, Thou purifier, purify all who are in bondage to self.

OM... May the ender of all suffering be victorious.

OM... Oh thou perfectly enlightened, enlighten all sentient beings.

Oh, Thou who art perfect in wisdom and compassion, emancipate all beings,

and bring them to Buddhahood... 

OM.

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