Forgiveness

“Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves.”

Step Four: 

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions 

~

The topic at yesterday’s Sundowners meeting was Forgiveness. I listened carefully but heard no one speak of self-forgiveness in terms of felonies committed that can’t be approached without causing more harm. How does a rapist or murderer find forgiveness for crimes of the past? How can one forgive oneself for assaults so devious on humankind without it seeming trite and self-satisfying? How do the victims of sexual assault or childhood abuse forgive the perpetrators of such monstrosities? How do the family members of these victims manage the emotions stirred by these crimes?

    Admittedly, these questions do not apply to most of us. However, having contact in the rooms of AA with a broad spectrum of society, these sources of guilt, shame and blame come up more frequently than elsewhere. In looking at these crimes some of us have committed, it is important that we don’t skirt the issue or divert ourselves from the impact our behavior has had on our victims. Conversely, it is equally important that, as victims, we don’t avoid the emotions deeply engrained into our hearts by such crimes against us.

    I have a friend who was assaulted in an alley and was severely injured. Years later, he still suffers physical pain from that attempt at strong arm robbery and has told me, “I don’t want to hear this bastard’s Fourth Step confession if he were to come to AA.”

    Am I to apply the same standards of forgiveness applied to other simple abuses and misdemeanors under these circumstances? Can we expect a rape victim to forgive and forget? How does guilt for felonies of these sorts be excused? How do felons of this sort forgive themselves without maudlin self-serving? Is it enough to believe that God has forgiven us all equally? There is no need for immediate answers here. The important thing about the Fourth Step is to take the inventory regardless of the questions. It isn’t necessary to go any further in this regard. Trusting that the process will answer these questions and provide the solution is how this Step works for both the felon and the victim. A fearless inventory takes courage beyond the grasp of most of us. Without trust in a power greater than ourselves we are helpless to proceed from here.

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