Purposeful Purpose

Our desires for emotional security and wealth, for personal prestige and power, for romance, and for family satisfactions --- all these have to be redirected. We have learned that the satisfaction of instincts cannot be the sole end and aim of our lives. If we place instincts first, we have got the cart before the horse; we shall be pulled backward into disillusionment. But when we are willing to place spiritual growth first --- then and only then do we have a real chance.

TWELVE STEPS

 AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP TWELVE (p. 114)

*****

It was impossible to see the true purpose of my life. Pat answers came and went. I strove at any rate… strove hard and long… sometimes successful and sometimes a complete failure at one or the other. But I tried to make one of these work. I tried with all my heart to become a good husband and father but failed. I tried at the same time to establish a career in the arts with a little success but failed in the end. I was like a farmer who was there for the plowing and sowing of the fields but never stayed long enough in one spot for the harvest. With no home, I wandered restlessly until I lit in one town and surrendered to the horror that my life was going nowhere.

            Thankfully, when the spiritual path I’m on revealed itself to me, I understood it at last. Furthermore, while many others were spiritually/genetically geared for all the goodies of life that I had hungered for and were able to find meaning and purpose in them, I was not. It was as though God spoke to me saying, “George, you are here for a purpose, now get out of the way and mind your own business!”

            From there I have been restored from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. I became open to all of the possibilities life offers once I simply put my emotional well-being first. It is amazing how much has been restored to me since then. I was a big, “Oh, I get it!” moment.

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Pause

Like most people, we have found that we can take our big lumps as they come. But also like others, we often discover a greater challenge in the lesser and more continuous problems of life. Our answer is in still more spiritual development. Only by this means can we improve our chances for really happy and useful living. As we grow spiritually, we find that our old attitudes toward our instincts need to undergo drastic revisions.

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP TWELVE (p.114)

*****

The rent has to be paid, the laundry needs doing, doctor appointments must be met; commitments to family fulfilled; the car needs new tires… again; neighbors are too loud, the traffic on the freeways is backed up from here to Eden; all of these and more are situations that drive me to dig in. I can be paralyzed by the overwhelming accumulation of stress that non-alcoholics don’t have any problem with. I can be tempted to run or hide from responsibilities that others face with ease. It is time to take account and seize the opportunity to open myself up to guidance… direction… breathe… to remember to pause when agitated or doubtful.

            Before I run headlong into my problems, send off a nasty email or otherwise make a fool of myself, I need to stop and count to ten… maybe hold my knees and take three deep breaths… if a car cuts me off on the freeway I might chant a mantra: “Om ah hum!” I even found that I had to change my curses to blessings. Just saying God bless instead of God damn does a subtle job on my consciousness. It just feels better to bless rather than to curse… even if I mean in my heart the opposite.

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An Ocean of Grace

Practically every A.A. member declares that no satisfaction has been deeper and no joy greater than in a Twelfth Step well done. To watch the eyes of men and women open with wonder as they move from darkness to light, to see their lives quickly fill with new purpose and meaning, to see whole families reassembled, to see the alcoholic outcast received back into his community in full citizenship, and above all to which these people awaken to the presence of a loving God in their lives --- these things are the substance of what we receive as we carry A.A.’s message to the next alcoholic.

TWELVE STEPS AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

(p.110)

*****

My first weeks of sobriety were full of wonder as the obsession to drink was lifted; and, experiencing a taste of the awakening to come, I hungered to pass on this joy to all my drinking buddies. Most nodded in agreement that I had found something good for me but they weren’t ready, or didn’t want, whatever I had discovered. Some even yawned, having tried AA before. These had tried so hard and failed… they turned away and stopped coming around. Others were eager to try but somehow couldn’t get motivated. I dragged them to meetings but it did no apparent good. I realized through my failures that I needed to work on myself before I could affectively pass on to others what I had found.

            After those attempts, I came to understand that I could be more useful doing the little things around the Fellowship; like cleaning the coffee pots after meetings… greeting at the door… making myself available for rides to meetings and simply extending an open hand. The open hand that once took from others was transformed into an open hand that gives. I now swim in an ocean of grace that inspires, encourages and motivates rather than evangelizes.

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God, as We Understand God

So, practicing these steps, we had a spiritual awakening about which finally there was no question. Looking at those who were only beginning and still doubted themselves, the rest of us were able to see the change setting in. From great numbers of such experiences, we could predict that the doubter who still claimed that he hadn’t got the “spiritual angle,” who still considered his well-loved A.A. group the higher power, would presently love God and call Him by name.

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS:

STEP TWELVE

(p. 109)

*****

I was taken aback when I first read phrases in AA literature such as: “he… would presently love God and call Him by name”. I had no problem with loving God but I wasn’t all that ready to cede to giving God any name at all. My suspicion was “Ah-hah! See, AA is a recruiting organization to make good churchy-Christians out of us!” Truthfully, any association by name or gender of God carries with it too much religious baggage for my tastes.

My reticence to put a tag on God doesn’t mean that I can’t accept another person’s religious perceptions of God, but rather, it opens me up to the beliefs of others if I simply call my God, The Heart of Compassion (whether they call their Higher Power, God, Jehovah, Allah, Krishna or Jesus… even the non-deist spiritual experience of Buddhists or the atheistic, existential, purity of the physical sciences pose no threat to my own beliefs). The Heart of Compassion is a description more than it is a name and it was the Heart of Compassion that lifted me out of the darkness of my disease and gently guides me through the trials of today. The grace of this acknowledgement that infuses my spirit is testimony enough to enthuse and empower the steps I take on the path to “happy destiny”. It is also important for me to affirm that I am secure enough in my own experience that I am entirely able to respect the experience of others as long as their God is a loving God. If so, they can call God by any name they choose…. i.e., love and tolerance.

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Your True Self

Your true self, God, or Higher Power is everywhere, particularly in its opposites. Like the Taoist yin-yang symbol, your original nature is present in both the dark and the light, in the male and the female and in the heights of ecstasy as well as in the pits of despair. Our Higher Power had never abandoned us, In many ways we had abandoned our Higher Power as a result of our diseases.

Mel Ash (The Zen of Recovery, p. 180)

*****

My friends in recovery sometimes refer to non-alcoholics or addicts as "normies". I believe this label is erroneous because I am hard pressed to find anyone that, at one time or another, hasn't hit such a bottom as the result of separation from our True Self. The truth is that most of us are born connected with God. This original consciousness and joy of discovery is what my relationship with the Heart of Compassion is all about. When I lost that I searched through the self-centered pursuit of that original enthusiasm (that some mistakenly tagged, "original sin"). We call this experience in the West, the Fall and, expelled from the Garden, we wander through life trying to retrieve our original nature. Through the dependency on the accesses of religion, of power, pleasures, property, security and prestige most of us were waylaid grasping for this lost special place. The self-centeredness we were born with was based on the necessary dependency of our helplessness. However, at some point most are able to reciprocate the nurturing we received and shed what was once useful, just as a snake sheds its skin. Are these "normies"? Are we special just because we went too far and drove ourselves over the edge and now need some form of spiritual discipline of recovery?

            I think not because there are no "normies" in this regard. I am not special just because I ruined most relationships through my addictions… the web of samsara.

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Taking Refuge

"Becoming a refugee is acknowledging that we are groundless, and it is acknowledging that there is really no need for a home, or ground. Taking refuge is an expression of freedom, because as refugees we are no longer bounded by the need for security. We are suspended in a no-man's land in which the only thing to do is to relate with the teachings and with ourselves."

The Heart of the Buddha

Taking Refuge

Chogyam Trungpa

~

This is not to mean that I don't have reverence for place. There are special relationships most indigenous people have with the island, the forest, the river or the plains on, or in, which they inhabit. There is stewardship but not ownership when it comes to where they are and, as they are displaced, a part of their soul is cut out. They are refugees. We hardly ever think of it but most of the Europeans that displaced Native Americans were themselves forced by economics, religious persecution or for political reasons, to hazard the journey to this continent. The error was that the Europeans who came here had not let go… had no reverence for the land as it was and persisted in driving out, corrupting and molding the land and its people to resemble Europe. The spiritual refugee that respects where he/she is opens the heart to new wonders on the dharma path.

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Answering the Call

Maybe there are as many definitions of spiritual awakening as there are people who have had them. But certainly each genuine one has something in common with all others. And these things which they have in common are not too hard to understand. When a man or woman has a spiritual awakening he has now become able to do, fell. And believe that which he could not do before on his unaided strength and resources alone. He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being…

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS:

STEP TWELVE

(pp. 106-107)

*****

My bedroom was a room in the basement in my school years. I can recall… going back… Mom would call from the top of the stairs in the morning to wake me. I heard her call… I heard her well enough. I'd answer, "I'm up!" and roll back over to go back to sleep. If she heard no stirring after a few minutes, she would call again. I tried answering again, "I'm up, Mom!" She was persistent, however, and would finally holler, "Get up! I want to hear your feet on the steps in two minutes or I'm coming down!"

            It was only then that I jumped out of bed, fireman style, headed upstairs, showered and finally sat down to breakfast before putting on my coat and going out the door to school. The ascension up the stairs… the cleaning up from a long slumber… this was my awakening after, what seemed to be at the time, an annoying series of wake-up calls.

            This has been my experience with a spiritual awakening. It is a three stage affair: the call… the awakenings… the pestering calls… the arrests… the failed career… the ruined marriage… the self imposed isolation… despair… the jails and then awake and out of bed…. after so many calls and promises, I finally stayed awake. Once I rose to take the steps upward to the place of renewal, where I cleaned up and sat down to breakfast, I had only begun the second stage: the third stage was where I put on my coat, kissed my mom on the cheek, and headed out the door into the world.

            This is only the beginning.

---

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Having Had a Spiritual Awakening

"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

TWELVE STEPS

 AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP TWELVE (p. 106)

The joy of living is the theme of A.A.'s Twelfth Step, and action is its key word. Here we turn outward toward our fellow alcoholics who are still in distress. Here we experience the kind of giving that asks for no rewards. Here we begin to practice all Twelve Steps of the program in our daily lives so that we and those about us may find emotional sobriety. When the Twelfth Step is seen in its full implication, it is really talking about the kind of love that has no price tag on it.

~

In truth, I experienced a spiritual awakening upon putting aside the bottle and the bindle. That was how I awoke to the first three steps. I had no idea at the time what I was in for but a door was opened through which my whole outlook on life changed. Those feelings of failure and despair dissolved like sugar in warm water as I proceeded to mend relationships… relationships with myself; with my Higher Power; and with my fellow human beings. Now, as my instincts improve and the light of joy illuminates and restores my spirit, I can't hide it. Taking what I found to others I found that I had to improve my communication skills. I had to become tolerant and nonjudgmental if I were to be able to pass it on. These areas were new territory for me so I have had to focus on listening instead of preaching, of reaching out with my experience rather than forcing my opinions on unwilling victims and, most of all, to stay in conscious contact with the Heart of Compassion…and never… never ever forgetting that I am only an arm's length from that Jack Daniels I left on the bar so many one-day-at-a-time ago.

---

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Making Sense of It

From the blossoming lotus of devotion, at the center of

            my heart,

Rise up, O compassionate master, my only refuge!

A am plagued by my past actions and turbulent emotions:

To protect me in misfortune

Remain as the as the jewel-ornament on the crown of my

            head, the mandala of great bliss,

Arousing all my mindfulness and awareness, I pray!

 JULY 23rd

GLIMPSE AFTER GLIMPSE

Jigme Lingpa

~

When I hear, touch, smell and see… my head gets it all first and filters…. sorts and categorizes, and usually, after all this is made sense of… it ends there. I have old tapes: religio-philosophical beliefs, my political positions, my formal education, and I have convictions formed from experience (even some say, even my potty training). And then, on top of all of this, I get information… a flood of data from newspapers, television, radio and shit from the internet… ah, my-oh-my… how am I to get past all that? How am I to reach the Heart of Compassion through this log-jam?

            When the heart and mind are spoken of we are not just talking about the computer between our ears and behind our eyes. We are not just speaking of the blood-pump in our chests. The heart is the center of being where passions and intuitions are felt. The mind is all of it together. We instinctively know this but, because it just makes so much sense, we assume that there is nothing more to the mind than the nerve center and we dismiss gut feelings as unreliable. We are told to use our heads instead of our passions. These are unreliable without training. The untrained mind is a rogue elephant driven by pain, anger, desire and fear that heeds nothing from the heart. But, once the Heart of Compassion is ceded to, a whole new world opens to us. In this sense we find that spirituality is not opposed to the intellect; but, rather, embraces it holistically through mindfulness and awareness.

---

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The Place of Peace

Perhaps one of the greatest rewards of meditation and prayer is the sense of belonging that comes to us. We are no longer lost and frightened and purposeless. The moment we catch even a glimpse of God's will, the moment we begin to see truth, justice, and love as the real and eternal things in life, we are no longer deeply disturbed by all the seeming evidence to the contrary that surrounds us in purely human affairs. We know that God lovingly watches over us. We know that when we turn to Him (or Her or Herm or the Tao, I might add…sic. geo), all will be well with us, here and hereafter.

~

The place I meditate is almost as important as the meditation itself. It can be an empty room; a corner of the bedroom;… even a closet. But, as Sogyal Rinpoche suggests in today's meditation, "You can transform the most ordinary of rooms into an intimate sacred space, an environment where every day you go to meet with your true self with all the joy and happy ceremony of one old friend greeting another."

            Most of the people I know have a problem with meditation because of the expectation that it is a labor. How can I stop what I'm doing… can't I meditate and pray while I am busy with my job or other things? Of course I can. I can meditate while standing in line at the market. I can listen to CDs as I am stuck in traffic. I can meditate while attending a performance of a symphony orchestra or ballet. However, there is no comparison in these things to sitting without the clutter of distractions for a few precious minutes a day. It doesn't have to be a big deal at all. It can be as simple as sitting down and doing absolutely nothing because, after all, it is in nothing that the Heart of Compassion has room to arise.

---

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Aurora: The Dark Night of the Soul

My heart still calls out for all of us who are angry; to those of us who are rushing about with fingers pointed: looking for reasons… making excuses... postulating opinions… at gun owners... right/left wing nuts cases; pro-death or anti-death sentences; better security at movie theaters; calling for laws to be passed… who do we sue? Yeh, sure, get lawyers involved! The heart of compassion takes time to breathe in the sorrow… it is early… so close to the tragedy of it to do anything but grieve for the loss… the loss of the families… the loss… the loss… the loss.

            Remarkably, everyone that could do anything immediately, did do the only thing that could be done: the 911 operator did her job in a calm and professional manner; the audience did what they could to protect themselves; the police did what they could do to protect and serve; the emergency medical teams did their jobs, and most importantly, the emergency room and hospital staff are doing their jobs today.

            Grieving… letting it sink in… that is the job we are called to do. When these things happen in Iraq or Afghanistan I ought to feel the same grief because real solutions don't always show themselves in the minutes, days and weeks after such monstrous outbursts of violence. The solutions come from sane minds that have processed the sorrow. Turn off the TVs… turn off the noise… There is a point, once I've gotten the basic information, that I can shut off the babble that follows what happened, are the survivors okay, and who did it? Anything after that is prurient in nature... almost on a pornographic level… strung out on it...a reality show gone bad.... news-people sticking microphones in the faces of survivors... and the survivors enjoying the attention!...  talk radio/television hosts and cable news networks babbling on... filling time... filling time to distract us from the grief. I just sayin': Feel the sorrow... let it percolate a few days into sane action before I start spouting emotionally driven nonsense.

---

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Breathe in the Sorrow

In the light of last night's tragedy in Colorado, I can't move myself to write much except to say that my heart goes out to the families and friends of the dear ones we lost in the shooting. Senseless acts of violence provoke emotions and a range of reactions that will provoke the pontificators to spout all kinds of nonsense. I hold back and allow myself to grieve… to simply breathe in the sorrow… breathe in the suffering before my mind runs off with answers, anger, reactions. Sit quietly and allow myself to feel. Stay away from using the tragedy of it to expound political agendas and to breathe in the compassion. It really is about compassion at this point. Compassion is fluid and wraps itself around sorrow like a blanket that warms and protects. To persevere in compassion… breathe in the sorrow. Breathe and pray... pray for the victims and pray for the shooter. Don't allow the sour rigidity of hatred infect... don't allow our hearts to sink into the desperation of the angry mob... allow despair. We all feel it and try so hard to avoid those feelings.... breathe and feel.

---

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Addicted to Samsara

"All we need to do to receive direct help is to ask. Didn't Christ say: 'Ask and it shall be given you; seek and you shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you. Everyone that asks receives; and he that seeks finds'? And yet asking is what we find hardest. Many of us, I feel, hardly know how to ask. Sometimes it is because we are arrogant, sometimes because we are unwilling to seek help, sometimes because we are lazy, and sometimes because our minds are so busy with questions, distractions, and confusion that the simplicity of asking does not occur to us.

               The turning point in any healing of alcoholics or drug addicts is when they admit their illness and ask for aid. In one way or another, we are all addicts of samsara; the moment when help can come for us is when we admit our addiction and simply ask."

GLIMPSE AFTER GLIMPSE

 Sogyal Rinpoche

July 19th

Isn't it amazing that some dude, who descended from the high Himalayas, came up with the same conclusions we in AA had to understand?

            Because "we are all addicted to samsara" is exactly why those of us who are addicts or alcoholics are oddly fortunate. We are fortunate because our behavior painted us into a corner where we ceded to a spiritual solution. We could no longer avoid the consequences of a very personal samsara… a self-centeredness that had accumulated and forced us to take active steps if we were to be free from the grip of our disease. It would appear to be enough to have our obsession relieved but it is entirely another thing to proceed from there. The discovery that the "samsara" the Rinpoche speaks of was the root cause of my disease drove me to seek a way to escape its spider web. That discovery revealed I needed something more than to be dry. It was also impossible to do so on my own. It was humbling to admit to myself, let alone another human being or some mysterious "Higher Power", that I needed help. However, the very things I avoided with all my heart was exactly what I needed. Why then should I not apply the same liberating surrender before the Heart of Compassion to the rest of my life?

           

---

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A Tool or Impediment?

We discover that we do receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon God to give it to us on order and on our terms. Almost any experienced A.A. will tell how his affairs have taken remarkable and unexpected turns for the better as he tried to improve his conscious contact with God. He will also report that out of every season of grief or suffering, when the hand of God seemed heavy or even unjust, new lessons were learned, new resources of courage were uncovered, and that finally, inescapably, the conviction came that God does "move in a mysterious way His wonders to perform."

TWELVE STEPS

 AND

 TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP ELEVEN

(pp. 104-105)

~

There are things that went down in my life, and went down heavily, that I had nothing to do with other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. There are those who would say, "That was your karma from past lives." Such explanations are usually a matter of opinion that do little or nothing to relieve the suffering and is very similar to saying, "God was punishing you for your sins." The fact is that sometimes life is unjust… what am I going to do about it one way or another?

            Why do some people accumulate tremendous wealth at an early age while others toil away all our lives? Living paycheck to paycheck, or worse, picking out a meager existence from garbage dumps, is unfair. But I can't say that the prosperous are of higher moral backbone than others less fortunate? Karma isn't about past lives or sin. Karma is about where I am now and how I act in present circumstances.

            It doesn't matter to me today. What matters is how I react to situations that are devastating. Suffering can become a tool to advance rather than an impediment to progress. When the city condemned my home of 18 years I could have gone back to the bottle, living on the streets and disappearing once more. But, what my conscious contact with what we call God directed me to hunker-down and seek out direction. Was I simply lucky to find my way out of that situation? I think not.  Had I ended up on the streets, my attitude still would work better if I stayed humble, receptive and willing to change. Gratitude for present circumstances or acceptance spurs me in directions I would not have taken otherwise. I see the hand of God working with me when times are good or bad if I refrain from judgment and defer toward acceptance of that direction.

---

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Wisdom and Strength

In A.A. we find that the actual good results of prayer are beyond question. They are matters of knowledge and experience. All those who have persisted have found strength not ordinarily their own. They have found wisdom beyond their usual capability. And they have increasingly found a peace of mind which can stand firm in the face of difficult circumstances.

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP ELEVEN

(pp. 105-106)

~

If there is no one else to turn to… where do I go? When I am alone in the, secret, dark chambers of my heart… where do I find light? Prayer and meditation, if practiced regularly, trains my mind towards taking a pause before the time calls… and time calls regardless of how well I think I'm doing.

            Life is fleeting; it is a mysterious procession that arrives at my door without a calling card... and an invitation.. it crashes the party! I can think of several occasions in my life where a seemingly trivial incident changed everything that followed. We think that it would take catastrophic tragedies that do so and, otherwise, life goes on pretty much the same as before: but the routines and pleasures of only a few minutes before are not to be had… they are no more. Change comes of it own timing… sometimes it is a merely a decision made or an overheard comment… that woman I met at a dinner (I married her)… that hike on a mountain trail (I saw God's work on a sandstone boulder)… or that time I was riding my bike and whap! I came to in a hospital bed. I do best with change if I am prepared. I prepare myself today and am ready to let go of everything I think is mine today. My suffering is caused by hanging on… refusing  let go of the past or the desire of rewards in the future, the Buddha might have said.

            It is easy to see the importance of prayer when I am suffering… doesn't it make sense to do so when all is well with me? If I pause and take the a few minutes at the start of my day, don't I find I am better equipped for change when it whacks me up against the side of the head? Intuition, premonition and conscious awareness to the rhythms of life touches me in meditation to move best to the drumbeat… the dance of the cosmos. The black knight on the white steed of change awaits my awareness.

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What of Prayer?

Now, what of prayer? Prayer is the raising of the heart and mind to God --- and in this sense it includes meditation. How may we go about it? And how does it fit in with meditation? Prayer, as commonly understood, is a petition to God. Having opened our channel as best as we can, we try to ask for those things which we and others are in the greatest need…

… of course, it is reasonable and understandable that the question is often asked: "Why can't we take a specific and troubling dilemma straight to God, and in prayer secure from him sure and definite answers to our requests?"

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP ELEVEN

(pp. 102…103)

~

The answer to this question is one that is the source of mockery and scorn for most skeptic observers and, I feel, this is for very good reasons. Western spirituality is based on this notion that we come up short with faith if we don't get the right results from prayer. And others can clearly see that self-interest doesn't jive well with humility. Those who profess great faith, throwing every dilemma or personal crises up to God in prayer, are often victims of hubris of equal proportions to their pride in this regard. This can sometimes have tragic and completely unnecessary results when applied to medical conditions: i.e., trusting spiritual faith healers, or any quack, over that of a trained and qualified MD.

            Desperate people tend to make desperate decisions and these include the demands or petitions of prayer when the answers are already there for the most part. For instance, a financial problem can often be managed with self-restraint, prudence and thrift. Hoping to win the lottery through prayer and meditation, when pure chance is involved, is to me the most comical I am guilty of in this regard. How many times have I heard people who do win thank God for the windfall? How about the football player thanking God for the victory as though God preferred his team to that of the other when it was more a matter of perfected skill and teamwork that won the game? Would it not be just as good to thank God for the poverty or loss that nurtures humility in us? If we are to expect miracles then we ought to best become miraculous. The miraculous lifting of spirit in prayer and meditation is where the power of humility is touched on. The pure joy of the presence of God in meditation, staying with me during the hardships of the day ahead, is the source of all healing compassion I might have.

---

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A Profound Revelation

Meditation is something that can always be further developed. It has no boundaries, either of width or height/ Aided by such instruction and examples we can find, it is essentially an individual adventure, something which each one of us works out in his own way. But its object is always the same: to improve our conscious contact with God, with His grace, wisdom and love. And le's always remember that meditation is in reality intensely practical. One of its first fruits is emotional balance. With it we can broaden and deepen the channel between ourselves and God as we understand Him.

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

STEP ELEVEN

(pp. 101-102)

~

I first sat in meditation hoping… wishing to eventually achieve some sort of spiritual union or bliss… some tangible contact with this whole notion of God. I sat and listened to my own heartbeat and followed my breath. I strove to quiet my mind… to break through to another consciousness… hoping for a profound revelation. But I was instructed to simply breathe and to let go of such high-minded aspirations. I heard of others having emotional and physical awakenings and revelations but all I had was what I sat with. Then I came to understand that this was enough. To let go and sense… to feel emotions come and go… to step back and observe what is truly going on inside and out… to glimpse the unity and power of rejuvenation going on in everything… in and around me… to see the connect… the dance… to resonate with the whole of it all. Wasn't this enough?

            Yes, at first I couldn't see the power of it… but I look back and… whew! The grace, wisdom and love that emanates from the Heart of Compassion is plenty for me today. Everything else is just frosting on the cake.

---

geo, 4,823

The Grand Unification of Spirit

I take myself far too seriously until I consider the vastness of the universe and its seeming complexity created out of a simplicity that surpasses my understanding. I watched a program on PBS the other night about String Theory and the Grand Unification Theory that was Einstein's unsolved puzzle. Now, I don't pretend to understand quantum mechanics or string theory: I barely have a grasp on Newtonian physics, but I do find wonder and joy from simply contemplating how these translate into my own spiritual relationship with the divine. In fact, I don't fully understand what love and compassion have to do with any of it but I sense it deeply.

            As I breathe, my mind travels with my breath down through the chakras to the center of my being. There it connects with a power far greater than atom smashers or the God Particle so touted in recent weeks. I discovered the power that relieved me from the devastation of my disease and put my feet on the path of recovery. The Heart of Compassion restores me and I suspect this entity we call God is the mind that sparked the Big Bang. I don't have a religious certainty about it in any intellectual sense but I do feel it when I look into the eyes of another still suffering and feel compassion… the unification of spirit arising.

---

geo 4,822

Inspiration...Respiration... Expiration

When I first heard that the essence of meditation is in the breath I was puzzled. What does that mean to me? How can it be that something as basic as breathing could have anything to do with "training the mind" or conscious contact with a "Higher Power"? I had no idea of the relationship the mind has with the breath. But, as I sat, and became more aware of breathing… inspiring and expiring… I got it. My answer to my quandary is right there in our language. Breathing in… to inspire… to breathe out… to expire. We use one term for an awakening… a birth of sorts… and the other term for letting go to death. In between the breaths is where we live. This sweet life I live is connected to a universal breathing… inspiration and expiration bracketing respiration. Or, in the words of Bob Dylan, we are either "busy being born, are busy dying."

The process brought the workings… the busy-ness of my brain… the journey of my mind down to the chest and belly where the pulse,… the center, where the Heart of Compassion lives and breathes with me. I can control the breath to some extent but not completely. My body has built in mechanisms that insure I breathe no matter how hard I try to hold it. But any singer knows that controlling the breath is as important as a good set of vocal chords or a good ear for their craft.

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geo 4,821

An Unshakable Foundation for Life

"There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life. Now and then we may be granted a glimpse of that ultimately reality which is God's kingdom. And we will be comforted and assured that our own destiny in the realm will be secure for so long as we try, however faltering, to find and do the will of our own Creator."

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS:

STEP TWELVE (p.98) 

~

It isn't enough for me to consider the day ahead, or the previous day, if I do nothing about whatever I have discovered. The idea of sitting quietly, long enough to let go of whatever I'm thinking… can be a disturbing enough proposition, but to do so regularly and for any length of time can seem near impossible. However, to even attempt to do so reaps subtle benefits I don't even notice them until I review my day. Gradually my impulsive, knee-jerk, reactions are replaced by emotional balance. I become more confident, not out of bluff and bluster, but out of a quiet assurance I am in the flow… dancing to the syncopated rhythms of the universe. Pausing when agitated or doubtful and picking up where I left off.

            The truth is that I couldn't do this very well on my own, but I found that I was able to when I sat with similar minded folks. It doesn't matter whether it is a yoga class or a religious group… it could be a Zen center or church group. Santa Barbara has four such AA meetings that sit for twenty-five minutes. We also have one that sits for five minutes for those who find twenty-five minutes to be too much. If there isn't a local meditation group in the area, it is easy enough to start one in AA. All it takes is two or three people whose only purpose is to stay sober and, Voila!

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geo 4,820

Air, Light, or Food

"When we refuse air, light, or food, the body suffers. And when we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support. As the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of His strength, and the atmosphere of His grace. To an amazing extent the facts of A.A. life confirm this ageless truth."
TWELVE STEPS
AND
TWELVE TRADITIONS:
STEP ELEVEN (p. 97)

~

 I once poo-poohed the liturgy of recited prayers early in my practice and preferred to simply sit without any prelude. I considered all the ringing of gongs, the lighting of incense, the lighting of candles and prescribed prayers, to be unnecessary adjuncts to my "getting down" to the basics. A sincere spot-prayer from the heart throughout the day, and sitting quietly now and then, ought to be good enough to get me through. However, I remembered the solace and peace of mind I found in my youth while sitting quietly in Catholic Mass. A Sunday morning at our local Vedanta Temple changed my mind about my puritanism in this regard. What I found to be important was the manner in which the liturgy was a formula that, one by one, filtered out the distractions and directed my mind… elevating it, if you will. I now consider prayer to be an appetizer that prepares me for the main course in the nourishment of my soul. A heart to heart meeting with the Spirit of Compassion is the desert!

    Are the gongs, recited mantras/prayers, lighting of incense/candles, absolutely necessary for meditation? I think not. On the road, Denny's is good enough.... or a sandwich from a convenience store even. However, if I eat only for nourishment at all times, I miss out on the experience of a well prepared dining experience. I don't sup this way whenever I sit at the table but why would I want to go long without doing so? I have been granted a second chance at a life beyond my dreams, why then wouldn't I wish to enjoy it fully?


geo 4,819

Emotional Balance

STEP ELEVEN

"Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

Prayer and meditation are our principal means of conscious contact with God.

            We A.A.'s are active folks, enjoying the satisfaction of dealing with the realities of life, usually for the first time in our lives, and strenuously trying to help the next alcoholic who comes along. So it isn't surprising that we often tend to slight serious meditation and prayer as something not really necessary. To be sure, we feel it is something that might help us to meet an occasional emergency, but at first many of us are apt to regard it as a somewhat mysterious skill of clergymen, from which we may give hope to get a secondhand benefit. Or perhaps we don't believe in these things at all.

TWELVE STEPS

AND

TWELVE TRADITIONS

(p.96)

~

The two sentences that caught my attention in this chapter are the first one and the one at the end of page 101 that proclaims: "One of its first fruits (of meditation [sic]) is emotional balance."

 An excuse often cited in AA meetings, "I say a short prayer asking God to keep me sober today when I rise but I'm too busy and don't have time for navel gazing."

Taking note of this, I'm tempted to add a smug mental note, ".. and it shows too."

 I am, however, less than amused because these statements are often more than admissions. These are proud assertions made by the same folks who careen through the program accompanied by the attitudes and pomposity found so repulsive to most of us. The implication is that those of us who spend the time meditation takes are not as busy... as productive and are perhaps too pious.

By the time I got to AA and was still wet behind the ears, I was taken off-course by every wisp of an emotional breeze or tempest tossed and nearly capsized by the sometimes major upheavals of the early weeks and months of sobriety, I came to understand right away that I needed desperately to do more than a knee-dip to God if I were to center myself to do more than to just survive. I realized that if I were to survive at all I had to respect what is that I am up against regarding alcoholism… the odds are not in my favor. Why then would I not employ some discipline to my advantage?

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geo 4,818

Inventory

When evening comes, perhaps just before going to sleep, many of us draw up a balance sheet for the day. This is a good place to remember that inventory taking is not always done in red-ink. It is a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right.

…Having so considered our day, not omitting to take due of things well done, and having searched our hearts with neither fear nor favor, we can truly thank God for the blessings we have received and sleep in good conscience.

TWELVE STEPS

 AND

 TWELVE TRADITIONS:

STEP TEN

(pp. 93…95)

~

It didn't take much, once understanding arose in my consciousness, that humility takes a large dose of authentic pride. Seeming to be an opposing value, pride in what a carpenter applies his hands is essential if anything of merit is to come of the day's work. A good eye is necessary to know what is right and an objective ability to see things as they are… to adjust or to square them. It takes training: no one would expect a carpenter to go to a job and perform as a journeyman the first day on the lot with an unused hammer in an unworn tool belt. Why then do I have such high expectations of myself as I begin to open up to spiritual principles? False pride would have me covering up or denying mistakes but humility would simply admit and correct errors without shame. Humility would tell me; "Move on… measure twice… cut once, to take the advice of those who have come before, work in harmony with others and try at all times to be helpful." Pride allows me to lay down my head at night knowing I have done well.

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geo 4,817

The Gooey Football of Blame

As far as international politics are concerned, somebody is always trying to put the blame on somebody else, to pass that huge, overbuilt, gooey, dirty, smelly, gigantic football with all sorts of worms coming out of it. People say, "It's not mine, it's yours." The communists say it belongs to the capitalists and the capitalists say it belongs to the communists (or now, the Islamic extremists vs. the degenerate capitalist West). Throwing it back and forth doesn't help anyone at all. So even from the point of view of political theory --- if there is such a thing in Mahayana or in Buddhism --- it is important for individuals to absorb unjustified blame and to work with that, It is very important and necessary.

Chogyam Trungpa: Training the Mind

and cultivating

 Loving-Kindness (pp.83-84)

~

Without a doubt, I am probably going to fail to meet someone's expectations today. It might be something trivial or monstrous… either way, it is easier for me to accept and admit my oversights than to cover up, or dodge them with excuses and counter accusations... it doesn't work. It might make a slight gain or loss in the polls for politicians but not for me. After all, I am not trying to win popular opinion but, rather, I am trying to maintain the peace of mind I start my day with. Besides, it is entirely possible that I might be wrong… I could have just as well have stepped on someone's toes or forgotten the tolerance and open-mindedness that grants me peace. I could have thus rankled someone else's spirit without even knowing it, therefore, I am better off being grateful for the input.

            Admit and confess… to myself and the Heart of Compassion that guides me: suddenly, I have no enemies… free from debate… even with the arguments that rattle around in my brain… retreat into the wonder of observation… enjoy the three-ring-circus that is there for my entertainment… give my mind a break and have some fun with it.

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geo 4,816

Right or Wrong

No matter whatever the dispute might be, whether it is an internal one… an argument with myself about right or wrong or the treatment of others; family, friends and disputes of all varieties… kindness, understanding and quiet respect works far better than the strident insistence of my demands. It is only when I understand that whatever it is, it isn't about winning or losing… it is about the harmony of working together for solutions.

The Dhammapada says it clearer than I can:

 

Some see right as wrong

And what is wrong as right.

Holding such false views,

They go to a sorrowful state.

Those who see wrong as wrong

And right as right

Hold right views,

And go into a joyful state.

Vs. 318-319

Before I get myself in a tither... into a self-righteous rage, I pause… consider how I would react to the same demands made on me… and put my shoulders to understanding the resistance rather than the resistor. Somewhere behind that morass of ego awaits the truth, the power and the glory of the Heart of Compassion.

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geo 4,815

Old Habits and Set Patterns

Today's reflection from the author of The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal Rinpoche, in Glimpse After Glimpse:

The teachings tell us what we need to realize, but we also have to go on our own journey; in order to come to a personal realization. That journey may take us through suffering, difficulties, and doubts of all kinds, but they will become our greatest teachers. Through them we learn the humility to recognize our limitations, and through them we will discover the inner strength and fearlessness we need to emerge from our old habits and set patterns, and surrender into the vaster vision of real freedom offered by the spiritual teachings.

~

The mantras; "they just didn't understand me", "I was stabbed in the back", "the system is corrupt", "it is just a temporary setback", "she/he left me for…" and so on, are often repeated over a drink at the bar among those of us who reveled in the Fellowship of the Stoned.

            Once sober, most of us try to regain some of what we lost due to our drinking or drug use along the lines of material success. It is commendable to do so but it is imperative to understand that we are still alcoholics and addicts. Understanding that alcoholism, and addictions of almost every sort, are diseases of the ego and not the substances we abused. Ego is a slippery fellow and will work its way back into control at any opening. False pride is an obvious opening once we get back the job, the car, the family and so on… power, property and prestige. This is true even if we achieve little more than a few years of sobriety in AA. Unless we do something about ego, we will lord over those with a day less than us with our time in sobriety and present ourselves as Big Shots… spiritual giants… we are recovery magi!

            "Old habits and set patterns" put aside, the vision of freedom opened up to me. Humility became a tool more than an asset to laud. Progress, as described through suffering, became the plowshare of acceptance, tilling the fertile ground made fruitful by the Heart of Compassion.

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geo 4,814

Abandoning Harsh Speech

Abandoning harsh speech, he abstains from harsh speech, he speaks such words as are gentle, pleasing to the ear, and lovable, as go to the heart, are courteous, desired by many and agreeable to many.

MAJHIIMA-NIKAYA i. 179

~

My weakness along these lines has been the internet. Pre-internet, my poison-pen was somewhat restrained because I could rush out to retrieve the nasty letter from the mailbox before the postman came. E-mail ruined that option. Then came the "anti-social media" and blogs… oh my. Once I had access to a computer and went online. I was late to the party too… it was after 9/11, 2001, before I turned in my fax machine for a computer... once online, I sank into an orgy of abuse… especially political arguments.   

            The past few months, however, I have come to peace with these kinds of online debates… if one can even call them that. I.e., when what I believe to be an abhorrent or abusive tirade is posted by a friend on facebook, I now try to step back and breathe before I respond… to see where there might be a middle ground… a solution to confrontation… and I ask myself how can both sides of an argument gain when in most arguments it's the means to a good end that is at stake. I can then argue in favor of a more productive solution rather than jump in with insults and counter arguments. Otherwise, I must simply leave it alone.

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geo 4,813