Trimmed and Tweaked

Was it possible that I might have operated my life on a completely erroneous premise? Could all my ideals and perceptions about my self, as well as the society I live in, be wrong too? This was a stunning revelation imposed by false humility because I considered my perceptions to be based on serious study and reflections… could I have been completely wrong? Am I any different now? Is it conceivable to me that next year at this time I might have an opposite revelation… that I am wrong about nothing?

 Nothing is more noxious to most of us than false humility. I don’t believe that my whole life was wasted before I came to the point of desperation that some call spiritually awakened or enlightened. The idea that I might have been so would be a warped and sadly deluded projection of the image I present to others because I know that in my heart I don’t believe it; why then would I attempt to convince you of it if this isn’t false humility…an extension of false pride?

It could be that at this time next year I will see that I now believe some pretty silly ideas that ought be trimmed down or tweaked but not completely discarded. I hope so. I am sure that I don’t want to set in cement the concepts I hold dear today because this assumes that others who disagree with me are of inferior intellect, misinformed or lack a moral base. When I studied painting, my best instructor, during our weekly critique, pointed out and encouraged what was working and discouraged what was not by implication. Only our very worst attempts to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear met with a negative critique. I try to live my life along these lines.

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geo, 4,688

You Don't Have to Move the Mountain

This morning I heard a Gospel song on the radio with this verse:

Lord, you don’t have to move

the mountain…

But grant me the strength to climb.

Lord, you don’t have to remove

my stumbling blocks

Just lead me around…

The song struck me as a deeply sourced revelation. It came from a vast accumulation of honest reflection. The idea that we have ceased fighting everything would appear to be an evasion of our problems and certainly no way for anyone with any true-grit to face them. We have this notion that we must confront and fight to the death against the obstacles in front of us and that we are either for or against them (prohibition against drinking, anti-smoking, a war on drugs or pro this or that and so on). I can laugh at my self-righteousness now because I realize I knew more about what I was against than what I was for beyond my self-centered vices or demands. This attitude might have helped me to succeed in many ventures, and might have even impressed some others, but, in the end, drove me into a false perception of self I couldn't live up to. Extending such bravado to the image I presented to those around me became a greater priority than the truth, whether or not I succeeded in this deception.

            It was only when I became completely fenced-in, and in this condition, I saw the actual need for a power greater than my own efforts. I didn’t come to this spiritual conversion out of any specific need to be righteous or to live a moral and better life because I had no desire or compulsion to become a “productive member of society”. I realized that I was defeated and I simply emptied my heart out to be free of suffering and this was the sort of prayer that was finally answered. The Spirit of Compassion give me the strength to climb and guides me around the stumbling blocks along the way.

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geo, 4,687

Seeking Helpful Help

The advice of clergy, psychiatrists or psychologists can be useful. Mental health therapists who use group therapy along with personal sessions are helpful too. But nothing beats the depth and wisdom  in the spiritual community (i.e., church, synagogue, sangha, cloister, monastery, ashram or AA group ) of a another member with similar experience talking with each other. This is especially so if we can find a closed-mouth and wise sponsor or adviser in such a community who has been where we are and can admit to have gone through much of the same self-delusion, fear, pride and ignorance as we have. My experience with clergy and mental health therapy is not all that extensive but my observation is, for the most part, that they, no matter how well-intentioned, wise and compassionate they are, often know quite well the map but have not personally muddied their feet on the ground and traversed the territory.

However, even the best adviser or sponsor might find my problems foreign to his/her experience and it is helpful to consult those who have at least studied the map and know where I am trying to go; so, therefore, I have found that professional help is a powerful adjunct to bolster my sanity where any adviser cannot. After all, a lifetime of insane behavior is not corrected casually and without using the best tools available because, in the end, I am the one who is making the decisions and acting in our own best interests. It is my belief that the more sane I am the better equipped I am to be useful to you and others.

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geo, 4,686

Discretion and Honesty

Though my View is as spacious as the sky,

My actions and respect for cause and effect are as fine

   as grains of flour.

PADMASAMBHAVA

I shared a problem with my sponsor in the early months of my sobriety. He paused and gave some serious thought about it before he answered, “I’m not sure how to answer your question; will you allow me to ask my sponsor about it?” I was impressed by his answer. First of all because he admitted he didn’t have all the answers but mostly because he respected my privacy enough to ask me whether or not he could defer to his sponsor for an answer. He wasn’t asking to expose my concerns with just anyone. He was going to someone he knew and trusted to keep the strictest confidence. When I got home and meditated that night, I had a vision of a long tradition, a line of folks… a chain connecting us that went back to the very beginnings of this Fellowship… to that first meeting with Bill W. and Dr. Bob. It was a most powerful experience that binds me in trust to those who come to me in confidence. Because of this I have learned the principle of discretion and to ask permission of the queried before I share anything trusted in me with anyone.

This principle is sometimes a difficult one to adhere to. I.e., I was once asked by a friend jailed for a DUI who didn’t want his loved ones to know about it. It was a most difficult request because the people concerned are very dear to me and they might have been willing to help him. In this case I talked with my sponsor, giving it considerable attention in prayer and meditation. I knew I would look bad when it became public and others found out that I knew of it. I kept it to myself in the end even though I would have been justified not to. After all, none of these principles are chiseled in stone. The Heart of Compassion is flexible. I had a simple choice in this case: Was my reputation for discretion more important than what others thought of me?

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geo, 4,685

The Book of Job

Of all the stories in the Bible, the tale of Job’s suffering is the most mysterious and inspiring for me. It is a glimpse into the values and norms of a period of a time long past; for, when calamity hit him, not only did Job sit out by the garbage dump and sought answers from God, but Job’s friends sat with him seven days and seven nights before they said anything… anything at all! This is remarkable of itself to me as I find it hard to sit with a hospitalized friend for more than a few minutes… I get uncomfortable... drop off some flowers… say a few words of encouragement… perhaps a prayer… and split.

I can get lost in the text but my reasons for bringing up the Book of Job was because there is more inspiration in that book… more wisdom… more complexities than any other text in the Bible. It competes with the best of the world’s literature. But my point in this context is that Job’s friends, often reviled, gave Job their best in terms of time and effort. The final result was that Job had to take God’s counsel and wisdom out of the whirlwind on his own. To take the time to sit with the suffering of others (no matter how uncomfortable) before I blather… to take the time to sit with my own conflicts… to just sit before I think I have all the answers, is a powerful lesson to take from this book: to listen and be willing to wait… to hear from the Spirit of Compassion when all human counsel fails.

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geo, 4,684

Gone Political Today

It is an easy and simple honesty that is open-minded about those who agree with us in matters pertaining to spiritual values and beliefs. However, we demonize those who even mildly suggest our heart-felt causes and beliefs might be in error. We demonize others and see ulterior motives in every thing they say or do. This is especially true in the present political climate. This happens largely because I am convinced my causes and political strivings are based on the best science and thinking while the opposition follows prescribed and dangerously erroneous conclusions and are mindlessly following the paradigms of equally misguided fools. This is sadly true about those whose beliefs along the lines of social and environmental concerns are the same as my own. There is no honest reflection or flexibility among my friends on either side of the political spectrum. The propensity to dismiss the opposition as fascistic and sexist Neanderthals is pandemic in the ranks of my liberal friends and the emphatic insistence from my friends on the right to demonize the left as moronic clones of university professors ascribing socialist, and even Communist, ideals that aren’t even remotely attainable in the real world restricting advances in a supposedly free market economy. True fascism was able to succeed because it co-opted ideals of the left. To label conservatives as fascists diminishes the word and to label progressives as Communists and socialists does the same. Is it possible that a dialogue of any substance can arise out of this polarization? Could it be that the downfall of our democratic/republic will be this polarization and demonization of each other rather than the errors of our beliefs?

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geo, 4,683

The Multi-Dimensional Realm of the Spirit

When I rise from morning meditation I can forget the spaciousness of mind and detachment from things that results from the insight of compassion as soon as I tuck away my pillow. It is a common condition that I oughtn’t be ashamed of but, if I am honest about myself, I can admit it and reconnect with the wisdom of serenity at any time throughout the day. Even by the time I finish breakfast, or shave and shower, I can return to the state of mind that will abide with me. After all, this connection with the Heart of Compassion is what morning meditation does for me. Instead of awakening with the troubles of the day ahead I am grounded in the moment where there is no doubt and struggle. In a flash, when I am troubled, I can take my mind back to those precious moments in which my day began. Meditation isn’t an exotic practice limited to a temple or church (or my morning cushion). It is a portable and practical tool for balance and perception I can take anywhere by pausing and taking a few deep breaths out of the hum-drum two-dimensional flat earth reality into the multi-dimensional realm of the Spirit.

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geo, 4,682

My Own Private 9/11

When an AA member, sober less than a year, stepped alongside and engaged Father Ed in a spiritual conversation --- mostly about AA. As Father Ed saw, with relief, his companion was perfectly sober. And not a word did he volunteer about the Pearl Harbor business.

Wondering happily about this, the good father queried, “How is it that you have nothing to say about Pearl Harbor? How can you roll with a punch like that?”

“Well,” replied the AA, “I’m really surprised that you don’t know. Each and every one of us in AA  has already had his own private Pearl Harbor. So, I ask you, why should we alcoholics crack up over this one?”

 The Best of Bill (p. 22)

*****

My mind pondered, in the early months of sobriety, what it would take for me to be so distraught that I would be driven to drink. I thought about the love of my life, back then, who was addicted to heroin. When she slipped and started using again, I almost drank as I thought about the possibility that she might O.D. and even imagined what would be said at her funeral. Such morose reflections were my own private Pearl Harbor… but I did not drink. This occurred three years before 9/11. 9/11 was a real Pearl Harbor for the post WWII generations and far more traumatic than any personal drama I had previously conjured in my mind.

 I grieved... simply rode my grief... grief for the victims and their families… grief for the state of mind that steered those airliners and the horror of the passengers on board those planes... indeed, grief swallowed my soul and that kind of grief has its own process. I was stunned… so shocked that sorrow enveloped my mind and erased all thinking... . I rushed to give blood… I went to a candle-light vigil and quietly wept until people were provided a platform and microphone to share their thoughts. What I saw then jolted my consciousness from grieving while some stood to express anger and others made statements pleading for peace. I realized that, because of my own private 9/11, I allowed myself to grieve before jumping to anger or escaping that grief to my personal beliefs. Allowing myself to grieve was the greatest benefit of the spiritual awakening that lifted the burden of alcoholism in my own life.

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[1] geo, 4,681

Whacked into the Sublime

We, in the West, have a very helpful concept of a personal deity that meets us halfway (or, even in some extreme cases, all the way) towards a spiritual awakening. The closest we come to this awakening in the East would probably be in Zen practice, where we have one example after another of the Zen student suddenly becoming enlightened as the master, or sensei (teacher), whacks him/her with koan, or, the student stumbles upon an unexpected incident, that throws a monkey wrench into her/his perceptions. However, this experience comes along the way, not after being defeated by indulgences and surrender to a supreme deity, but by satori achieved through a sometimes rigorous process. I’m not suggesting that one is better than the other; in fact, William James would have called this the “educational” variety of religious experience in contrast to a sudden burst of light. Even in the West, most of us do not have a Cecil B. Demille opening of the clouds type experience. In the East and in the West, we practice prayer and meditation regardless and do not usually expect to be Zapped into the sublime of our own accord. Even those fortunate to experience this are compelled to practice to stay in the grace of a power greater than ourselves.

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geo, 4,680

How Well Do I Sleep

Like a Dog pulling on a rag, I can't let go of ego.

So many great masters, from the Buddha to the Christ, insist that it is the ego that drives selfishness, self-will, self- hatred, self-destructiveness, and self-denial, that I have to give them some consideration. However, the very idea that I must abandon the guiles of ego to break through to the Heart of Compassion is anathema to me. It seems to not matter at all how miserable my life has become trying to appease the increasing demands of ego, I will keep at it like a dog pulling on a rag. Now, this is almost a universal condition so why should I be ashamed of it? Has my addiction to security, sex, food, alcohol, drugs, TV, isolation, prestige and power, given me anything of real value? How well do I sleep and how much true love and light have I accepted or given in my life?

The answer, for the most part, isn’t shame for my failures along these lines. It is a simple matter of having enough humility to address these road-blocks to happiness and take comfort that faith, in the Heart of Compassion, will lift me from the morass of self-deception. Where I am helpless God can, and will, do so if only I ask and am willing to follow the loving guidance provided from every tradition. Love is the answer and compassion is the expression of a higher love than any of us can comprehend. Rest in it and breathe.

I say this because I have observed that even the most vile uses of various scripture, from the Bible to the Koran, contradict and are steeped in the power of God’s love when seen through the eyes of the saints in those traditions (i.e., from Saint John of the Cross to the poetry of Rumi). If I only seek out compassion in my teachers, I will be washed and compelled within the power of that Spirit.

 geo, 4,679

To My Dear Skeptics...

More than any other subject, none other has my complete attention than the nature of the universe and that of the prime mover’s relationship with it. I once saw it as indifferent rather than hostile and cruel. My mind would not change unless I could discover evidence to the contrary of this dismal prospect. Had there not been a series of “coincidences” that brought me to my knees in complete surrender, I would have no evidence in this direction at all.

An outside observer in a lab coat could contend that my experience was a subjective one with several physical and scientific explanations for it. I don’t see any constructive purpose in convincing this imaginary technician with a clip board otherwise. I was powerless over alcohol and was touched by the Heart of Compassion. I could contend that my dear skeptics, as sound as their reasons are, can also be touched by their own defeat and surrender. But it is the example of the positive transformation exhibited in my life, not the very personal spiritual experience itself, is the only argument I have that transcends the material proofs of the cynic.

Besides, I know of some very humble and moral folks, having no beliefs along these lines, who seem to have very little discernable neurosis in their lives. I am in awe of them and see no reason to convert them to my own beliefs at all. In that light, it is easier for me to see that people of faith are the “sick souls” and it is only the sick ones like me who have need for all this faith business.

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Extreme Behavior

I can make the mistake of too closely identifying with confusion. In doing so, the confusion of my fears can become a crutch and a shield against my better instincts. The medical sciences are beginning to understand the disease of alcoholism/addiction and the areas of brain damage caused by long-term abuse and neuro-chemical relationships on the cellular level. These aspects of brain injury are expressed by extreme behavior and mistaken for moral failing, acting out, attention mongering or failures of character. We can identify anger and depression as an extension of our fears but, more importantly, our fears arise from confusion. This confusion in early recovery is part and parcel of chemical withdrawal and the restoration of our minds to normalcy. It is one good reason why it is more productive to understand these character defects as symptoms of disease rather than moral failings.

<< << <<   >> >> >>

We can make the fatal mistake of identifying with our confusion, and then using it to judge and condemn ourselves, which feeds the lack of self-love that so many of us suffer today.

Glimpse After Glimpse: Sogyal Rinpoche

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To Smile at Fear

O-sensei: Morihei Ueshiba,
melding.

My own self-deception can extend to the deception of others and  these hidden fears are the most difficult of all perceptions to expose and dispose of. It is my fear of change, fear of confrontation, fear that my beliefs are easily discounted, and so on and on that I am shaken and close off my mind; barricading against, or attempting to destroy, the fear that opposes me. The truth is often that I have nothing at all to fear if my attitude changes. The principle of melding, (I.e., expounded in the gentle martial art, Aikido),  can be extended to my daily meditations. Instead of opposing what I fear, can meet my fears and gently direct them around the protective force-field of compassion. Fears that I try to defeat directly weaken my compassion and can even turn me into a self-righteous and bitter old man no matter how sober I might be and free of physical addictions. It is fear that keeps me from the power of overwhelming joy of becoming complete with God. No tyranny, no oppression, no difficulty can take this companionship with that Spirit from my spiritual core if I smile at fear and respectfully turn it aside.

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geo, 4,676

Namaste

I've always wondered at the scripture quoted and shouted from pulpits by preachers, whose fingers always pointed directly at me exuding the fiery smoke of sulfur from the pits of hell, proclaiming: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom,” until it was noted by a friend that I could replace fear with respect or awe. It has a completely different ring to it and is far more acceptable when I do that. Besides, I resent any effort to make me bow, trembling before the very Spirit of Compassion that is my hope for salvation. Once I have made my amends with that Spirit within, I am no longer at war with what we call our God. Does this mean I lack humility and am too proud to bend? Perhaps it can be seen that way; however, I believe that my best attitude is to see myself as a participator with a loving parent rather than a subject of a celestial monarch. Do I always feel this way? Certainly not: however, just like a kid who has dented a fender... or far worse, I do bend when I cry out for forgiveness. The rest of the time I am in fellowship with God as a loving spirit and only bow to acknowledge our union with my fellow human beings saying; Namaste.

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[1] geo, 4,675

To Stand for Nothing is to Fall for Anything

When I was a young man, toward the end of my enlistment, my anti-war fervor melded with my generation’s sentiments. Afterwards, as the Vietnam War wound down, my political and social perspective was hewed by that experience with the culture of corruption prevailing at that time. College followed and my beliefs weren’t all that different than other students at that time. In my late forties, disenchantment with my beliefs gradually shifted. I say this to point out that the fervor I expressed on both sides of my political opinions  had to be evaluated when I finally got sober. It wasn’t so much that one side was right and the other was wrong, but I realized that my beliefs were fueled, not so much by reason, as much as they were driven by resentment against authority of any kind.

I’m not implying that my friends on either side ought to drop their political and social beliefs. After all, an adage I still embrace insists, “To stand for nothing is to fall for anything”. My point is that I had to look deeply at where my anger and frustration with “things as they are” comes from. Where did resentment with “authority” get me in the end? I still question authority but I do so with the understanding that any authority is implemented by people and not monsters. I pray now for the oppressor today as well as the oppressed. I pray for the prisoners of conscience as well as I do for the prison guards. An important shift in consciousness arises as I do so.

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geo, 4,674

Arrogant and Aggressive Evangelism

Arrogance and aggressive evangelism infects most of us at one time or another. I am, of course, speaking for myself. When I look at it… really look at it, the driving force behind this dynamic is my own conviction that I am right and others are naïve, uninformed or mistaken. I can be open-minded as any saint on spiritual matters but as blind as a bat for my own convictions otherwise. My political views (no matter whether they were conservative or liberal) were set and had iron-clad reasoning behind them. If I became open-minded about what I believed I saw myself as wavering or flip-flopping in my opinions. It wasn’t in my constitution to accept what others thought, whether they were tree huggers or loggers. Everything was black or white and to suggest there might be an in-between seemed a cop-out to me. To get to the core of such aggressive behavior, passive or not, I had to take a good look at my fears and self-righteousness in all matters. To open my eyes to the will of the Heart of Compassion is my calling and that calling is what keeps me sane and sober.

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geo, 4,672

Union with A Greater Self

“Everything from the smallest kind of happiness up to Buddha-hood comes from sentient beings. All happiness is determined by the activities you do in relation to sentient beings.”

SEMAY GESHELOBSANG THARCHIN;

ESSENCE OF MAHAYANA LOJONG PRACTICE

One of the reasons I don’t call our Higher Power, God, is based on all the old associations most of us have with the imperialistic and paternal personality of deity that was handed down to us from religious dogma. These reasons aren’t because I have anything against God or God’s devotees because I am with you. However, I observe a divinely sponsored pecking order established with the concept that separates and cuts me off from my fellows. Even the admonition of such precepts as the Golden Rule (as good as its intention) comes to us as a commandment rather than simply a better way to conduct human relations. It hints that our stewardship over nature allows us to exploit unmercifully other sentient beings and the planet we dwell on. When I fully understand that I am actually One with the Heart of Compassion I am less able to act against others in a manner that isn’t kind and reasonable. I could call this Spirit, God, if doing so didn’t alienate me from my fellows. But I prefer to sit in union with a greater Self rather than kneel in submission to a monarch when I pray.

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geo, 4,671

The Best of Bill: FAITH

God as We Understand Him (continued… pp. 2-3)

We much regret that these facts of AA life are not understood by a legion of alcoholics in the world around us. Any number of them are bedeviled by the dire conviction that if they go near AA they will be pressured to conform to some particular brand of faith or theology. They just don’t realize that faith is never a necessity for AA membership; that sobriety can be achieved with an easily acceptable minimum of it; and that our concepts of a Higher Power and God as we understand him afford everyone a nearly unlimited choice of spiritual belief and action.

*****

I love open meetings of AA because an open meeting is where those who haven’t made up their minds about whether of not they even need help; or let alone, whether they believe in anything at all along the lines of faith. We take upon ourselves the responsibility… those of us who have been sober long enough to know what our program is… to carry the core message of AA rather than our own personal take on things. That core message is that alcoholism is a terminal disease and once it has developed past a certain stage there is no way we can stem its immanent march towards insanity and death. Understanding this is important because we need to grasp the fact that we need help. Furthermore, this help does not come from any one of us but from a Power greater than ourselves that we can conceive on our own. The only pressure comes from our disease. This power doesn’t even have to be called God. Our Steps are a ladder to a spiritual renewal powerful enough to relieve us of our disease no matter what we believe. All are welcome regardless of what we believe or whether we believe at all.

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geo, 4,670

"Just Tell Them That I Am"

I use just about every other term for God but God itself: i.e., The Heart of Compassion; the Spirit of Recovery; my Higher Power; and, my favorite, The Great Whazoo. I don’t have anything personal against God…. I truly don’t. My reticence stems from the fact that I used the term for most of my life without understanding at all what it actually meant. I now assume that my admitted ignorance isn’t uncommon today when I speak of God. But I do hope not to cause any similar confusion about God in all God’s names, gender, religions and so on. The almost universal use of the term “Higher Power” reflects a less confusing and more direct exposure to what we mean because describes all I needed to know about God to get me going on the path of recovery. What my alcoholism taught me was that I had no power of my own to escape its grip and that I desperately needed a Power greater than myself if I was going to break through. We hear it said  throughout the ages has been that all we need to know is that there is a God and that we aren't it. While this is true it assumes that we possess  some fundamental knowledge of what God is.
That whole Egyptian thing about having to know the god's name in order to get anything out of it was busted when Moses stood on the mountain and asked, "Who shall I say sent me?" ... and the Great Whazoo answered, "Just tell them that I AM." Even the bible tells us that this was all we need to get started.

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The Particulars of Faith

I was suspicious of the motives behind any so-called open-minded approach to spirituality. I wondered whether I would be taken to a back room where "they" would try to convert me to “The Faith”. This was my fear and, when I hear anyone proclaim this or that one as their “Lord and Savior”, my mind slams shut against anything else they have to say from there on… for good or for bad. That is why I am trying to disallow myself from talking about the particulars of the path I have chosen in this blog. Such proclamations are still an annoyance to me but I have taken measures by evaluating all the different versions of God and the religions I abhor, taking inventory of my reactions to my own fears and self-righteousness, to insure that this resentment won’t drive me away from my any fellowship. Taking this action extracts the vitriol of my distaste and opens my mind to at least tolerate the religious fanatics in any fellowship in which the core beliefs are centered on The Heart of Compassion. It takes patience and tolerance but these qualities work in helping those who need faith to relieve their suffering no matter what that suffering is: i.e., It is more important to be a helpful friend to an alcoholic or addict than it is to convert them.

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The Grand Central Station of Thought

The film, Baraka, features time-lapse photography of busy places… the rhythms, ebbs and flows of people and traffic, trains and automobiles, herds and flocks. It reminds me that the space between my ears when I first sit down is a busy terminal… the Grand Central Station --- of thoughts and emotions. These streams are a natural state for most of us and it is only with practice that I can slow down the space between thoughts.

If it is natural that my mind is so full of this business, then why is it so important that I learn to slow it all down or even shut it down?

Sure, a shot of Jack will slow it down; two shots will flatten it out; three shots will loosen up the action and so on, until it all collapses into a hangover from physical poisoning and obsession, doubt, fear, isolation and despair until I need “the hair of the dog” to move on.

Alternatively: to sit, before my day begins, to surrender it all to the Heart of Compassion reveals a glimpse at the ground beneath the clutter into the clean slate revealing the Creative Spirit of the Universe. To go there has no ill-consequences… no hangovers… no relapses. Once I go there I can expand that experience… a little more each day… into a life free of the bondage to self.

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geo, 4,667

Resurrect The Christ in Me Today

 Today is the day that Christians celebrate the Resurrection of the Christ. I can say that, for me, the Resurrection holds a message that transcends Christ bodily rising from the grave. Beyond that concept is the idea of redemption. The idea of divine intervention, the dispensation of redemption and the miracle of it, must be the greatest difference between Christianity and the other religions or spiritual disciplines. I practice Tibetan Buddhism but this is only the path I use as a spiritual tool. It was the Spirit of Compassion and not my practice that relieved me of my alcoholism. The works I do  from there (the dharma of my practice) is my responsibility; but, I can’t do so without the Spirit of Recovery that opened the door to the Heart of Compassion for my rejuvenation.

*****

This is my most beloved passage from the text, Alcoholics Anonymous (p. 164): it radiates Hope.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to God and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the fellowship of the spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road of happy destiny.

God bless you and keep you --- until then.

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geo, 4,666

Subterfuge of Ego

Salvador Dali
Illustration for Don Quixote

I thought of myself as bold, adventurous and above the petty concerns of bourgeois society when I launched out from the safety of the home of my family. Perhaps it was courage but it could have also been an overdose of immaturity. I was a romantic who wanted to take the world by storm and become the next most famous artist. When that goal was denied me, I drank more and the more I drank the further away my dream had become. I became an artist alright… a petty con-artist… whose only contribution to life was to become skilful at taking from it and rarely giving back. At fifty-two I looked in the mirror and saw myself as I was... it wasn’t the most prettiest picture I could have painted.

Today, I look in the mirror of sobriety, meditation, and the Dharma path that chose me,  and I see through the disguise and subterfuge of ego, allowing the light of compassion touch my heart. Bathed in that light I can see my character defects for what they are and realize that compassion requires that I forgive myself of my humanity. I can the stand up and go out into the world where forgiveness is extended to those I come in contact with and those remote and impossible to reach. The solution to all my problems being acceptance, and acceptance leading to rational solutions, I have been growing up and I no longer even want to be on the top of the world but to simply be productive within it. 

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geo, 4,665

Thy Will, Not Mine

When we say: “Thy will, not mine, be done,” aren't we stating the obvious if our concept of God is omniscient, omnipotent and is the Heart of Compassion?Yes, but, what happens as I say this perfect evocation, is an almost automatic transcendence from my personal desires and a submission to a higher will. I come to understand that there is suffering that calls for compassion and that compassion can take form in so many ways that I can’t understand from my own limited perspective.

Why then should I pray for others at all? After all, if I am in the dark isn’t it a waste of time to ask God for anything? The answer is simple: compassion. Caring about those who suffer from and in; tyranny and war, hospitals, mental wards, unimaginable, catastrophe, prisons, poverty, prisoners of conscience and children who’ve been abandoned, betrayed, abused and even murdered, takes me out of self before I meditate. Then, when my consciousness rises to that of the Heart of Compassion, my vision improves to the extent that universality grants my heart the direction to act accordingly.

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geo, 4,664

If We Truly Believe...

By changing my name on these blogs for the purpose of posting them on facebook, I am able to make observations about AA without violating the principle of Anonymity. Because these posts skirt that principle it is prudent to add: These are my opinions and mine alone. They have nothing to do with official AA policy but are intended to address conflicts outsiders might have when trying to grasp what AA is about.

“There is no use in arousing any prejudice… against certain theological terms and conceptions.” Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 93. So often I hear people insisting on proclaiming their Higher Power in open meetings of AA. Just because I have found a particular discipline does not give me the right to impose it on others… especially when there are newcomers who are already suspicious of evangelical efforts on his/her behalf. Personally, it still causes me some consternation because I make every effort to refrain from proclaiming my own deeply felt convictions along these lines. I can do so outside of the aegis of AA all I want but I need to restrain myself in the rooms of AA, lest it drives an alcoholic who needs to hear the message. If we truly believe in what AA’s Twelve Steps can do for us then why don’t we have enough faith to allow the Spirit of Recovery to be revealed through the process?

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geo c., 4,663

A Clearer View

Chogyam Trungpa
2/28/39 - 4/4/87
Died of Alcoholism

I love the how these high Himalayan monks put things. They talk directly and address the situation we face in words that we aren’t used to being expressed by our clergy or gurus.  My favorite is Chogyam Trungpa and today, in one of my daily meditations (365 Buddha), he is quoted as saying; “Renunciation is realizing that nostalgia for samsara is full of shit.” For those of us whose drinking led us down the path of destruction we are clear about what samsara is. To look back and long for the past, even to drink moderately, is insanity for me. For those without the alcoholic gene this might appear to be a glum proposition but it isn’t for me when I look forward instead of back. It ain’t so much that the view is so much better on this mountain trail… it is simply a clearer one. Being in the here and now becomes merely a matter of which way I face when I put one foot in front of another.

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geo, 4662

Criticism: Positive and Negative

If Nehru (a Muslim) and Gandhi
could differ constructively
I can do so too.

My training disciplined me to accept critiques of my works as an art student. Acceptance of this sort doesn’t always translate to criticism of personal context for my opinions, politics and personal behavior. I suppose that this arrogance comes from distaste for ill-founded and uninformed personal attacks on mine or other people’s ideals but mostly for fear that I could possibly be wrong. This distaste isn’t always expressed respectfully and that is one of my greatest character defects. My goal is to cease attacking people personally and to not to be so offended when this is done to me. If I could accept that I might be wrong and react as graciously to criticism as I do with my craft as an artist it would be a gain whether, or not, the criticism is positive or negative. There is always something to work on if I am to progress, change and learn. I eventually become grateful for criticism of any sort in the end because it usually stems from people who are authentic.

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geo, 4661

The Dharma Path

I had no idea that living sober would be such a challenge. Perhaps I might not have bothered had I known. I did know that these AA folks talked about having a relationship with a Higher Power but I thought that going to meetings and being nice to each other was all there was to it. The concepts and principles in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions posted on the walls of meeting places caught my attention. I thought, sure… sure, I can do that… more or less. But my mind grasped what this anonymity business was all about when I read the Twelfth Tradition: "Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personality". What was apparent then was that my own personality required that I obtain humility  enough to submit to a set of principles and that would require some kind of spiritual discipline. It would take more honesty, humility and compassion than I possessed at the time. It would take some work to open up to the Spirit of Recovery from which it flows and that work... that Dharma Path... is laid out for me in the Twelve Steps.

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geo, 4,660

Our April Fool

He was asked in the beginning, “Are you willing to go to any lengths to stay sober?” When he heard those words, "any length", he wasn’t able to grasp their full meaning beyond his immediate circumstances. But, when another drunk, still wreaking with that familiar day-old booze fragrance emanating from every pore like a skunk-sprayed dog, needed our fool to sit with him and help him through a few hours of the shakes… the  meaning sank in. The old fool didn’t try to sober up our drunk. The old fool didn’t hit him with the Big Book or evangelize the AA program. The fool just sat and listened… sat in silence… just sat. When the old fool walked away, drinking was not on his mind at all and it hadn’t been for more than a few days. He believes this was because he had been willing and happy, most of the time, to go to these lengths for another who suffers.

            I have heard others say that we oughtn’t to waste time with a wet drunk, and, I have been guilty of such arrogance too. But that is when I forget where I came from and how desperately alone I was then. When I am so busy; when my time is so precious; when my concerns are more important than my sobriety; that obsession to use will probably return. Nothing insures against this than taking a few minutes with another alcoholic in need of hope. I can use that experience as a reminder of how powerful our message is.

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geo, 4659