The Now & Choices

Today I have a choice. I might not have much more than that but I do have a choice, and with that choice, comes responsibility. Responsibility for the moment I am in is an awesome realization once I see it for what it is. I thought it meant that I don’t make any plans for the future when I first heard about living in “the now”. In actuality, I have found that everything I do now sets up what happens down the road. Drugs and alcohol were very helpful for taking a break from it. But the real deal was that I was merely taking a break from the responsibility of “the now”. In fact, I wasn’t getting out of my self at all by stupefying and dulling that magnificent organization of neurons that are what is left of my brain. That was merely a vain attempt to avoid it via the insanity and neurosis of such evasion and their consequences. I often wondered at the way others seemed to be able to manage responsibilities; even when they were loaded. Such a break can be good for normal folks who still have an “On and Off” switch that works for them because they seem know how to take care of business regardless. However, that reality wasn’t true for me. I had to recognize that my switch was broken. Furthermore, I came to understand that my broken switch was a blessing because I was just never the type of person who could take care of the business of living in “the now”, loaded or not, and thus I was forced to seriously take the actions that would put me there. This involved a familiar spiritual surrender to a Higher Power that neurotics like me find refreshing and energizing. I doubt that this would have happened otherwise.

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