I
held close to my heart so many grievous trespasses… crossing the lines of
compassion like a raging bull in the proverbial china-shop… that I buried many
or dismissed them saying, "I'm only human." There are time when long
buried ones did percolate up into my consciousness in dreams that awakened me
in the middle of the night. I would admit them to my innermost self and believe
I had taken care of them. Sometimes I would even confess them to what I called
God and, even when really drunk, make mention them to a pal or lover and excuse
myself again. It is not surprising that guilt or denial colored most of my
actions (but I couldn't see that!) and, when I behaved well, gave myself a pat on the back at the pretense
I had atoned for past abuses.
It was only after I had taken a
thorough and systematic inventory of the good and the bad in my past was I able
to take Step Five effectively. It took looking at myself without making any
excuses whatsoever that the true Heart of Compassion opened up to me with a new
freedom… a giant weight… tons of obfuscation and denial… rolled off my back once I unloaded this burden with the help of (but not on) a
trusted friend.
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